How to Make Baseball More Exciting

Cut the number of games in a season from 162 to, say, five or six.

Douse the ball in gasoline and light it on fire before every pitch.

More knuckleballs. Those things are bonkers.

Mow the outfield mid-game and let one lucky kid sit on the mower, waving to the crowd.  

Serve better nachos than the saltiest tortilla chips on earth with cold, congealed queso.

Play ‘Creed’ on the jumbotron in between pitches.

Get a player to take a knee during the National Anthem. Twitter is getting a little dull these days.

Schedule some games in London. Nothing is more exciting for a sport than a sparsely attended crowd that barely understands what they’re watching, broadcasted at a weird time for fans back home.  

Have an umpire line up both teams before the game and gently tap each player’s groin to make sure everyone is wearing a cup. This happened to other kids in Little League, right?

Suggest to players that they try to hit more grand slams.

Give bobbleheads to all fans who attend the game, not just those who are 18-and-under.

Put me in, Coach! I’m ready to play, today!

Place a couple sand traps and water hazards in the outfield.

Let announcers giggle when they say things like, “he got to second base.”

Add another ball to the mix. And another. And a couple bowling pins. And an axe.

Change the 7th inning stretch to a full-on hot yoga sesh.

More ice cream in mini plastic helmets.

Instead of having managers wear the team’s uniform, make them only wear leather.

Only hire executives who look like Brad Pitt.

Lower the price of beer to a more reasonable $30 per cup.

Allow helmet-to-helmet hits.

Ban kids from attending games so I don’t have to give any more foul balls away that I caught fair and square.

Allow crying.

Make the pants so tight that we can see everything.

Raise the pitcher’s mound by 10 feet.

Once ‘Creed’ is over, play ‘Creed II.’ Make it a double feature.

More. Kiss. Cam. Show me kisses all game, baby.

Don’t put a limit on how big mitts can be.