Why Did You Unfollow Me on Twitter?

It’s been a while! Seeing you reminds me, the strangest thing happened the other day: A tweet of yours popped up on my feed (hilarious, by the way!) and I could have sworn you follow me, but when I hovered over your name, it didn’t say that you do.


Didn’t you like a tweet of mine a couple months ago? You remember, the one about how annoying it is when your Uber driver says they’re outside but they’re actually a block away. A few months before that, you retweeted another one of mine. Well, to be fair, it was only a viral tweet that I retweeted—a video of Chrissy Teigen teasing John Legend. Regardless, I thought we were getting along great.


I know we haven’t seen each other in a long time, but isn’t that the beauty of social media? I thought you enjoyed my tweets about where every free agent in baseball should sign. Plus, I saw you still follow Colin, and none of us have seen or heard anything from him since high school.


It couldn’t have been because you were offended by a political tweet of mine, either, since I never tweet about politics. Or did my lack of political tweets imply that I don’t care about politics and am therefore part of the problem, so you had to purge me from your Twittersphere? If that’s the case, I assure you that I am very political outside of Twitter, and I’m confident we share the exact same views on every single issue so we can stay friends.


It’s not like I tweet so often that I clogged up your feed. Even if I did, the polite thing would’ve been to simply mute me. I’d be blissfully unaware you were never seeing my tweets. I myself don’t shy away from muting—I’ve muted my cousin, for example, who constantly tweets videos of himself playing Overwatch and tags celebrities challenging them to play. They can’t even see his messages because his profile is private.


Nor do I tweet so little that you could reasonably assume I never log on and then unfollow me to improve your follower-to-following ratio. (And like I said, you’re still following Colin, whose last tweet was during Kelly’s graduation party years ago, before he went off the map.)


Okay, to be honest, I don’t just think you used to follow me. I’m 100% sure. If you’re creeped out, relax. It’s not like I regularly go through every single one of my followers to check that they still follow me—that would be crazy. No, I downloaded an app that sends me a notification as soon as someone unfollows me. Then I go through every single one of my followers to check who it was.


I guess what I’m asking is more than why you unfollowed me, it’s whether you’ll re-follow me. After all, we still follow each other on Instagram—I always like your posts, even when they’re just photos of craft beers. We’re still Facebook friends, although I keep telling myself I’m going to delete my account. Obviously, we’re still connected on LinkedIn. Imagine what would have to happen to disconnect with someone there. (Don’t you think it’s odd that Colin doesn’t have a LinkedIn? Do you think he’s working?)


Look, I’m not threatening you, but if you don’t re-follow me, I’ll have to unfollow you. Then I would have to manually check your Twitter every couple days to see what you’ve been saying, and that would really be a pain.