Available: Cozy, Secure Room in Embassy of Ecuador

From The Telegraph, 2013: “He lives in a small office room converted into living quarters, equipped with a bed, telephone, sun lamp, computer with internet connections, shower, treadmill and a small kitchenette.”

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Want to get away? Need to get away? Look no further than this cozy, secure room in the Ecuadorian Embassy in London, available immediately.

Located just steps away from Westminster Abbey and Buckingham Palace, the room will nevertheless provide an impenetrable barrier through which no officials, British or American, will be able to reach you. Sometimes, if you listen closely, you may be able to catch the hourly chimes of nearby Big Ben! But also, that may just be a staffer’s cell phone. Though your comfort is of the utmost importance to us, some members of our mission still insist on trying to perform the diplomatic duties for which they were trained, before they became your de facto personal waitstaff. We are doing our best to break them of this habit.

This converted office has all the comforts of home, and then some. Fuel up for a long day of espionage and/or journalism with food prepared in your fully stocked kitchenette. If you run out of coffee, don’t worry: Simply head downstairs to the main kitchen, where a full pot was just prepared by our office manager. That coffee is meant for our First and Second Secretaries to recharge after a grueling, multilateral discussion on human rights, but go ahead! Take the whole pot. This is your home, after all, and there’s no need to hide it under your shirt, telling everyone you pass that you’re “pregnant with justice.” Don’t forget to forage in the refrigerator for any containers labeled “Oscar’s lunch, please don’t touch.”

Once you’re full from breakfast, head back to your room for a nice, long shower in your private bathroom, installed at great expense courtesy of Ecuador. Though nearly 60 percent of our country’s population lives on the poverty line, we nevertheless took your request for gold-plated fixtures and a steady supply Sisley-Paris Smoothing Shampoo very seriously. Dry off with one of our clean, fluffy towels, replaced daily by the High Commissioner himself after all the interns, mid-level staffers and diplomats announced they would “no longer cater to this BS.”

Though the space lacks a window, a bright sun lamp will keep you upbeat through your long, sometimes arduous days of “intelligence work,” or making origami cranes in your bathrobe. (Please note: Wi-Fi has been temporarily disabled. As a thank you for your patience while we resolve the issue, please find next to the bed a stack of leftover 2014 reports from the Ecuadorian Federation of Exporters, as well as a copy of “Debrett’s Guide to Etiquette and Modern Manners.” We urge you to focus especially on the portions highlighted by Victor, formerly our Oxford-educated attache, now your full-time housekeeper. Please note the triple underlines in the sections pertaining to the importance of pants in common areas and keeping feces off the ceiling.

We love our guests, and want them to stay fit during their stay. Since leaving embassy grounds is not advisable at this time, we strongly encourage you to take advantage of your in-room treadmill. Studies show that daily cardio is not only positively correlated to a longer life, but that a provided treadmill will also lower the odds of you bursting into the conference room during sensitive meetings with Colombia to shout “GAME OF SQUASH, ANYONE? HOW ABOUT YOU, PAULA? PAULA! I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME,  STOP LOOKING AWAY.”

Being an embassy, we didn’t have a firm pet policy in place, since we didn’t think we’d need one. This was our mistake. As such, your furry friends are welcome, we guess! We do, however, ask that you please use some of your ample free time to care for your pets yourself. May we suggest that, instead of trying to listen in on our phone calls (we can hear you breathing on the line, by the way) or staging daily one-man productions of “There Will Be Blood,” you change the cat’s litter box yourself once in awhile? No, we do not buy the argument that the Chewy deliveryman is a facilitator of the neocorporate state.

We understand your departure from the embassy may be sudden. Nevertheless, if you could please ensure that all lights are turned off and dishes are clean before you’re dragged from the premises, we would certainly appreciate it. Please do feel free to leave a tip for housekeeping as a thank you for dealing with you during your very, very, very long stay.

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