Instagram: This update fixes a security issue on our end, but you should seek therapy to work through the insecurity issues on yours. And if you can’t afford a therapist, then why don’t you just try to be more like your friend Todd? His stories are always funny, and it seems like Jennifer is much happier with him than she ever was with you.
YouTube: We noticed that you’ve been watching a lot of videos on willpower and motivation lately, so we’ve automatically subscribed you to YouTube Premium based on the assumption that you’ll be too lazy to cancel. Prove us wrong, dipshit!
Shazam: No fixes in this update, we just wanted to let you know that we think you’re a coward for using our app instead of asking that cute barista for the name of the song she was playing. As you may recall, the song was “Don’t You Want Me” by The Human League, and the answer is no, no she doesn’t.
Facebook: This update addresses recent privacy concerns, but FYI, when we tried to sell your data to Cambridge Analytica, they said, “Thanks, but we’re good. Please send Todd’s data instead. We love Todd.”
Seamless: The idea that a mere software update could release you from your vicious cycle of indolence, self-loathing, and delivery is both sad and preposterous. Perhaps if you were more like the handsome and industrious Todd you wouldn’t blame technology for your problems, but it seems the only thing you two have in common is your taste in women.
Twitter: This update doesn’t do anything to block the Nazis on our site, but since we don’t like your memes we’ve put a verified Star of David next to your username.
Waze: This update has a carpool lane mode, which might have been useful if you and Jennifer had gotten married and had kids like you always talked about. But don’t worry buddy, so you fucked that one up royally, but there’s always more fish in the sea, right?
Tinder: We read through your messages and we’ve selected you to beta test our new superdislike feature.
Amazon: This update knows that you’ve considered boycotting us for not letting our warehouse serfs use the toilet, but it also knows that you love getting Preparation H medicated wipes delivered directly to your doorstep. And speaking of tough ethical decisions, don’t forget that you can stream Sophie’s Choice for free with your Amazon Prime membership!
Snapchat: Sadly, you are too old to understand the features in this update. Time is passing, Jennifer has moved on, and soon Generation Z will bury you in the earth.
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Jordan Landsman is a writer, comedian, and translator living in Queens.