Posts

We Are Women Fetuses, and We Are Pro-Choice

As a unified coalition of unborn women who possess all the rights of legal personhood, we stand together to advocate for the reproductive freedom of our already-born sisters, whose legal rights are not as protected as our own.

Beauty Tips for Attracting a Republican Man

Go blonde. No, blonder. This one should be obvious, but we’re gonna go full Patrick Bateman on you here because we cannot stress “blonde” enough. Even if you’re one of God’s chosen few who possess natural blonde locks, you could still probably use the assistance of dye. There’s no such thing as too yellow or too platinum. Our boys love their towheads, and who can blame them? (Just don’t go too far into full-on white because then you’ll look old and, ew, gross, who wants to date that?)

As a Woman, I’ll Be the First to Apologize for Apologizing So Much 

Look, I’ve read the research. We ladies tend to, shall I say, overdo it. All the studies say the same thing: Women apologize more than men. Women apologize when there’s no reason to. Women apologize for breathing. 

How to Be a Woman in Advertising, According to the Men I Work With

Know how to take a joke, but not make a joke. Speak up, but not too much. Be a mom, but not a real mom because that’s not hot. And more!

You Can Be Anything You Want! And Other Lies We Tell Girls About the Professional World

Broadcast Journalist- LIE: Newsrooms are desperate for a feminist angle for their stories! TRUTH: Must be smoking hot according to the standards of a bunch of middle aged men in a conference room.

My Best Guess at What Those Six Different Vagacials Currently Offered at My Salon Are

The Zamboni *Specialty procedure. Inquire at reception. Not suitable for women under 40.

CARTOON: Sign of the Times

Body language. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOON: Cold Shoulder

Snowcone? Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

CAPTCHAs for Women

Which of these pop stars from your youth were treated unfairly in ways that damaged your own sense of self? Hint: This is a trick, it’s all of them.

CARTOON: Inflate Date

Hot, hot air. Today's cartoon by Jeff Hobbs.

What Your Animal Tattoo Says About You

Lion (male): Your masculinity is toxic. Lion (female): You’re forced to carry the emotional labor for your entire family. Scar from The Lion King: You are murderously jealous of your older, more successful brother.

What Your Favorite Eagles Song Says About the Way You End Relationships

Doolin-Dalton: You don’t end relationships because you don’t have relationships.

Sample Scripts for the Elizabeth Warren Drunken Recrimination Phone Bank

You’ve indicated in the past that you’d be happy to vote for a woman, you just “weren’t that into” Hillary Clinton. And yet you’ve voiced concerns that Elizabeth Warren just isn’t “electable.” What does “electable” mean to you?

OH! THE PLACES YOU’LL GO! As a Single Woman on Group Trips

You’ll look at the mountains. Look ‘em over with care! / Because on our ski trip, you’ll stay in that lair./ With your body so small and your person so single, / you won’t mind if the bobcats come in to commingle./

Stuff I Carry in the Gaps Between My Boobs and My Ill-Fitting Bras

What do you keep in your bra gaps? Written by Claire Tadokoro, and illustrated by Sarah Kempa.

4 Uses for Your Amazing She Shed That Totally Aren’t Murder

THE POTTING SHE SHED The smell of fresh earth is intoxicating. Not as good as huffing craft glue, but not bad. The earth gives life, and takes death when your enemies shuffle off this mortal coil. With no help from you, of course. Pour all your troubles into a decorative clay pot you adorned with cute birdies, and watch the world melt away. All your troubles. Dirt hides a myriad of sins. Buries them, you might say. The last place they’d think to look is underneath your thriving Pom Pon dahlia bed. Look for what? Ha ha! Nothing but potting soil and a giant set of pruning shears hides in your trusty, padlocked she shed.

This Word-of-the-Day App Chooses Vocabulary Specifically for You!

Perturbed: troubled in mind: feeling or showing agitation. (Merriam-Webster, 2019) Example Sentence: College-educated women from your age bracket often feel perturbed by their inability to find a life partner. 

How to Trick Your Hairdresser into Suggesting Bangs So You Don’t Have to

Bring a 3D visual of your ideal cut: Specifically, bring a mop.

6 Types of Girls You’ll Meet in the Emergency Room

The Girl with a Pole Through Her Head: Seriously, how is this girl even still alive? But of course, her hair still manages to look flawless- Classic girl with a pole through her head!

Sexist Double Standards I Hold About Men That Generic RideShare App™ Needs to Address

As a powerful woman who is supposed to hate all other women and nonbinary people almost as much as I hate myself, this email serves to confess I can’t. I just can’t and I need your help. It’s terrible and really going to limit my trajectory at Generic RideShare App™, but there are some sexist double-standards I just can’t help but have.

Transcript: On a Date with an NPR Host

Phil: Tonight’s date will be in four parts: Act I: Pleasantries: Shallow, nonaggressive compliments, observations about the restaurant’s rustic decor; Act II: Dinner and the Exchange of Personal Anecdotes: I’ll tell my story about that time I saw John Travolta at the post office; Act III: Foreplay: Are ears an erogenous zone? We’ll explore each other’s bodies and find out; and, finally, Act IV: Lovemaking: Can two souls still passionately intertwine in our modern age? Stay tuned. Anna: Sorry?

Hubris, Hamartia or HELL YEAH?

We’re all gathered at the Colosseum today to talk about the unsettling allegations against people in my position. And you know that position: dick out.

Ladies, It's Snack Time

PepsiCo CEO Indra Nooyi said in an interview last week that the…

Your Pregnancy Week By Week: Meat Lovers Edition

LISTEN TO THIS ARTICLE We think that getting weekly email…

First-Date Customer Satisfaction Survey

Congratulations! You’ve been selected to participate in a…

CARTOON: Organ Pride