Can We Circle Back On This Exorcism? 

Good afternoon Father,

I hope this email finds you well. I’m looking forward to collaborating with you on excavating a demon from my mortal soul. Unfortunately, I’m at full capacity this week and will be unable to accommodate this ritual in my schedule until midway through Q4.

I know you’re eager to get the rosary beads rolling, so I thought we could touch base and I could bring you up to speed on the full scope of this project.

Before we put our heads together on this (side note: my head sometimes rapidly rotates 360 degrees so it may be challenging to literally put our heads together) there are some action items we need to flesh out. (Mmm…flesh. I knew I shouldn’t have worked through lunch.)


  1. Deliverables: The main deliverable will be one raging, red-faced, fanged demon.

  2. Bandwidth: Between projectile vomiting nonstop and climbing ceilings upside down, I’m having a hard time conquering my to-do list. I’m hoping you’ll spearhead the majority of this project.

  3. Quality Assurance: Do you have a nun lined up who can QA your work and assure you’re following best de-possession practices?


Additionally, here are some key metrics to consider:


60%-The amount of time the demon has full faculties of my brain

 19-  The number of neighborhood pets I’ve ingested while possessed

666- The number of tally marks I’ve carved on my cubicle wall


I believe if we synergize our efforts we can tackle this demon and impress all relevant stakeholders (i.e. God). Please circle back with me by EOW so I know we’re on the same page. I’m hoping we can sort this out so it doesn’t bleed into next fiscal year. Also, so my eye sockets stop bleeding.




Sorry that was the demon,