You complete and utter buffoon.
Are your eyes broken? Did you not see the glaringly small sign pointing at the correct door? Surely you must be recovering from some sort of invasive eye surgery to miss a sign that obvious. I’m laughing at you, you fool.
Answer me this, halfwit. Why would both doors be open? I pegged you for a bonehead the moment you approached. Next time, I will anticipate your birdbrain and point and shout minutes before your hand touches the handle. Your lone brain cell will thank me.
I can’t believe it. You tried a second time! You dope. You absolute loon! I’m on my knees! If you don’t feel shame then allow me to shame you. Everybody look! There is a nitwit amongst us. Somehow he lives and breathes. His mere presence is proof enough God exists, as this oaf has made it to adulthood unscathed.
I bet you don’t feel shame. An imbecile such as yourself no doubt has ignorance of his imbecility. The bliss of that being could cure the world of all its pain. Wow. Listen to me. Your obtuseness has me longing for stupidity of my own.
My god you’re slow! The stooge is looking around, confused. His thoughts are circling. I can read them now. Are they closed? But they can’t be closed, it’s the middle of the day and there’s an employee looking at me. There’s no one to help you but yourself. You need to figure this puzzle out on your own or you will never learn. Hello dummy! Stop looking around. It’s right in front of you, you putz. Were you lobotomized and let loose? Christ, must I hold every dingbat’s hand. I fear if I don’t intervene, the sap will be standing there all day.
Hold on. The dunce is starting to understand now. I can see the hamster wheel turn. There you go. Yes, try the other door…
No! Push, idiot!
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Julien is a Los Angeles based comedy writer and video editor. His work has been featured on McSweeny’s Internet Tendency, American Bystander, Points in Case, & Slackjaw.