James Corden, (V.O.): Like this?
Sir Paul McCartney, (V.O.): That’s it. Now put a little more wrist into it. Oh, look ’round there. It’s the basement where the lads and I would bust a nut. Those were the original lyrics to “Yesterday,” you know. I needed three syllables. Bah-dah-dum.
INT. CAR, LIVERPOOL
Sir Paul: (singing) Bust-a-nut. But I was doing a call-in interview with a radio station in America, so I just told them “scrambled eggs.” People ate it up! (finger gun) Pun intended.
James: You and the lads would just…
Sir Paul: Stroke out a few. Pet the snake. Tip off the inspector. Have a meet and greet with The Fifth Beatle. Harmless fun, really. (Waves to little old lady fan). Hello, dear!
James: When you say the lads…?
Sir Paul: John and I. The vicar, sometimes. Oh, we didn’t mind. Oopsy, watch the road. Of course, it would have been more appropriate to invite the Bishop, wouldn’t it? (Winks) Hang a Louie here, if you please. We’ll have a bit of a wander.
EXT. VILLAGE GREEN, LIVERPOOL
Sir Paul: And over there is the old English oak where we’d have a bugger or a bit of oral until the constable came ’round. Father MacKenzie didn’t like that one bit. Not at all. The original lyric to Eleanor Rigby, incidentally, that wasn’t rice she was cleaning up. Nobody came? Ha!
EXT. PUB, LIVERPOOL
Sir Paul: Now the cellar here had the best soundproofing. Better than the bog at me Dad’s. That’s where John and I had our first anal. Needed more lube as I recall. Looks like we’ve drawn a crowd. In the old days, we could barely get three nuns to watch us.
Don’t look so shocked, James. I saw that piece you did with Bruno Mars. We had nothing to hide. It’s all there in the lyrics, really: “Twist and Shout”; “Please, please me.” “Come Together.”
James: (Realizing) “Right now…”
Sir Paul: “Over me.” Just good lad fun.
James: (With dread) “Here comes the sun”?
Sir Paul: That’s what Ringo called his trouser mouse, “the son.” It was a bit of an obsession with him, really. Oh, and then there was me Mum’s sister catching us in the act and the aftermath. That’s how we got, “Here, There and Everywhere.”
Fan: Sir Paul! Me late Dad played all your songs when he tugged his serpent!
Sir Paul: Oh, that’s lovely. Thanks for letting me know.
Lady Fan (holding up baby): This is my little daughter! I conceived her with some of your jizz they’d scraped off the toilets at The Casbah Club!
Sir Paul: And a fine lass she is. Both legs, still! I can see thinking of her in a few years for inspiration!
James: (Realizing), “With a Little Help From My Friends”? “Eight Days A Week?”
Sir Paul: Sometimes more than that. This was before we had the tellie. Me brother didn’t go in for it. And our first drummer, well, he’d already gotten a girl pregnant, so he wasn’t too keen. Can’t blame him now, really. We said we dropped him due to the music. No, he wouldn’t keep the beat, if you follow. Always felt bad about that one. Oh well, obla di- obla da!
James: (singing lyrical snippets now) “Fish and finger pie”?
Sir Paul: “Norwegian Wood.” But there were plenty that never made out of the, um, “writing room.” “Caught in the Zipper” (sings, boyishly), “I’m caught in the zipper it’s me zipper, (other voice) not me zipper. (points finger to James) take it!
James: (half-heartedly)…caught in the zipper of your … love?
Sir Paul: Pubes! We had trouble with the chorus. Oh, also, “Wipe That Up Right Now.” (sings) “… don’t get in a funk, ’cause it’s just my spunk.”
James: I think we’re going to be late for the concert.
Sir Paul: Oh, and then we had this psychedelic number featuring a giant one-eyed creature and an elaborate fable about how he lived in a magical cave and only came out once in a while and grew to several times his size, but Yoko put an end to that. Like, immediately.
James: Would all the, um, collaboration, at least help you write?
Sir Paul: It wouldn’t hurt, if you know what I mean. Do you want to give it a go?
INT. CAR, LIVERPOOL
Sir Paul and James scream/sing together: “It’s been a hard day’s’ night…! ”
EXT. CAR, DRIVING ERRATICALLY
Sir Paul, (V.O.): That’s it. Good going. Next time, I’ll tell you about me Michael Jackson sessions.
James, (V.O.): (breathless) No?
Sir Paul, (V. O.): You didn’t think I made all that fuss over a few song rights, did you?
FADE OUT ON: MICHAEL’S “BEAT IT”
- About the Author
- Latest Posts
A former Washington, DC TV news producer, Debra A. Klein has contributed personal essays and features about places she once never knew existed to: The New York Times, Conde Nast Traveler, National Geographic Traveler, Travel and Leisure, and Newsweek magazines, as well as The Little Brown Reader, 9th Edition and The New York Times Practical Guide to Practically Everything, among other publications. Follow her on Twitter @IWishIHadTyped