Here at Broadcast TV Network, we ran out of creative ideas years ago. We thought rebooting popular series from the 70s and 80s would help our flagging ratings. But let’s face it, Frasier can’t solve everything and half the Brady Bunch is dead. So, we’re taking things up a notch. What’s even more desperate than remakes? Mashups! Check out our new lineup:
Sex and the Abbey. Lady Mary and Edith learn to appreciate a well-mixed cosmo when Carrie, Charlotte, and Samantha invade the Yorkshire countryside looking for single men and sexy shoes. (Note: Cynthia Nixon may join the cast mid-season, depending on her schedule.)
Loveboat NCIS. When dead bodies start littering the Lido Deck, the crew turns to US Naval investigators for help. Because our research shows Betty White appeals to all demographic groups, she stars as Captain Stubing’s love interest. But is she really a cold-blooded murderer? Slated for the Saturday 9pm time slot, it should be a strong lead-in for CSI Fantasy Island at 10pm.
Trading Thrones. Winter is coming, so two couples swap castles to create cozy, welcoming rooms sure to warm the heart of any ice dragon. Armed with a professional designer, $1000, and Valyrian steel, each warring faction has just two days to complete a stunning transformation. Winners get a trendy space for relaxing, losers get beheaded.
Roseanne’s Island. Roseanne and family head to Gilligan’s Island for vacation, bringing sunscreen and news of the 2016 election. The Skipper dons a MAGA hat, The Professor joins the #resistance, and Lovey moves in with Ginger and Maryann, vowing that she cannot forgive Thurston for supporting “that horrid man.”
The Great CNN Baking Show. Don “Twist o’” Lemon, Anderson “Souper” Cooper, and Wolf “Cheese Blintz” Blitzer try to impress Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood with scones and tarts while Erin Burnett moderates a panel of experts arguing over the definitions of words like “biscuit” and “trifle.”
West Wing World. Wealthy guests come to this elaborate theme park to interact with android hosts from the Bartlett administration. Guests attend press briefings with CJ Cregg and can do a “walk-and-talk” with Toby and Josh. Best of all, they sleep comfortably at night knowing Jed is in charge.
Golden Girls of Gilead Got Talent. Betty White is back again! Reprising her role as the hilarious and plucky Rose, White is sad to learn that all her roommates perished in the Second Civil War. But no fear! She moves in with Aunt Lydia and institutes a weekly talent show at the Red Center where handmaid contestants can literally sing for their lives.
Full House of Breaking Bad Friends. Thanks to sky-high NYC rents, Monica and Rachel are forced to let the entire Tanner family move in with them. Meanwhile, Chandler and Joey get a new roommate who’s cooking meth in the bathtub. Hilarity ensues when Ross becomes addicted.
The Office Survivor, Sopranos Edition. Each week, Dunder Mifflin employees gather around a campfire in the parking lot and choose one co-worker to get whacked by a mob hit man hiding behind Jim’s Toyota Corolla. But who has the secret FBI Immunity Badge this week? Only Jeff Probst knows.
Finally, because we’ll try anything to get you back, we’re proud to announce our flagship show: Victorian Duck Dynasty Girls Who Are Black-ish Off the Boat. Starring Betty White.
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Sue D. Gelber is a New Englander turned Chicagoan now living in Colorado where she writes fiction, humor, and grocery lists. Her work has appeared in McSweeney’s,The The Belladonna, The Chicago Tribune, and Electric Literature, among others. You can find her online at suedgelber.com or wasting time on Twitter as @suegelber.