Prince Harry Joins Our Start Up

Prince Harry takes a job at Silicon Valley start-up   The Washington Post 3/23/2021

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To: All Employees

In Re: Employee Perks Expanded As Harry Joins Our Start Up

 

Responding to our ad seeking employees with “VC contacts,” who, “know how to scale,” and are experienced “first movers,” Harry has joined our unicorn start up! Although some things may have been lost in translation, to make our newest, most incredibly famous, yet approachable, but don’t approach him, employee feel welcome in his first paid position, ever, (ever!) our rules are going to change. Effective immediately:

 

“VC” now also stands for Viscount.

 

“Scaling” now refers to both how you grow a concept and also how you get over an obstacle wall in the woods with James Corden.

 

“Early adopters” will not be shown favor over those who reproduce naturally.

 

We’re not going to call them “rules” after this email, because that implies someone is a “ruler” and that makes him uncomfortable. He likes our “flat org” structure.  Also, no more using “rulers.” If you need to refer to them, or use them, try the fun expression “One-third Yardsticks”!

 

Chess and checkers may be “triggering” and  therefore will be removed from the Game Closet. Also, copies of “Purple Rain” will be deleted from internal streaming library, understandably. Let’s just all try to stay away from the “K” word, shall we?

 

To that end, Pheasant Alongside, Equally With Glass will replace Chicken à la [his great grandpa] in the Break Room. The Cocktail Cart will be pouring “Kir Classest Beverage,” and don’t expect any more pulled pork sliders on “U-Know-Who’s Hawaiian Bread.” Sorry.

 

We’ll be removing Monarch butterflies from the Contemplative Motherboard Maze as soon as a trapper becomes available. Meanwhile, try not to leave milkweed lying about.

 

You’ll see we said “lying about,” instead of “laying around.” From now on, we’re all going to make a linguistic effort, or more simply, “do a Madonna” to talk more British to ease his transition into a life in which people move around and do other things when he appears in a room. The elevator will be “the lift,” umbrellas will be “bumbershoots,” you get the idea. When in doubt think: WWDVDAACSD? [What Would Dick Van Dyke As A Chimney Sweep Do?]. Once again, we’re all going to pretend to be into the World Cup. We know. It’s a big ask.

 

Related, please let’s agree for now that nobody will explain to him that Gayle King isn’t really a king. We don’t think he knows.

 

Permission now granted to bring your pet polo “pony” to work. And up to three [3] barnyard chickens.

 

New dress code: Epaulets and Breeches Fridays. Nazi costume ban policy remains in effect and unchanged.

 

Employee “Google Bus” now stopping in Montecito. If Oprah boards, do not look her directly in the eye. We’re “on the way” to her favorite candle store, so she is, of course welcome to board, or as Harry put it, “What Oprah wants, Oprah gets!”

 

We’ll be expanding Flex time during Fox hunting season.

 

Commuter stipends will cover 15,000 kilometer check ups on Rolls Royce engines. Cars, not jets, but we’ll see.

 

It hasn’t come up as yet, but yes, personal seamstresses may embroider family crests on company swag. And silk blends do count as “casual” dress.

 

A few more additions:

 

Snooker/billiards tables and darts in the hallways. Free employee parking for Apache helicopters. Commuter credits will now cover flights to London. And our biggest change, even more secrecy and security for the company org chart.

 

Finally, because the expression came up on our Zoom call, and we were just too embarrassed to correct him, we’re happy to introduce a new concept: our inaugural Cereal Entrepreneur, Archie. Right now he prefers Cheerios, but that may change. We expect to add another such position in summer.

 

Please welcome our new employee!

But see HR first to sign an NDA.