Originals
New “He’s Back” Fundraising Menu
For a limited time we’re offering a rare opportunity to harbor POTUS’s very virus in your body. A must-have for the MAGA in your life, as important as a Ford F-150, patriotic do rag, or swastika-ink! Don’t just love your leader, prove it! A lucky few may even die for him!
Lick his dirty utensils, $500
Touch his used IV drip, $1,000
For little Proud Boys and Girls*, *only if they’re 8s and up, no “uggos,”
Halloween Signed Face Mask, $2,500; with Sharpie, $2,800; with extra Covid, $3,000)
Lock of “hair”* $3,500
*may not be used for paternity or rape kit testing
Official bed pan, $5,000
Dirty, $6,000
You Be The Doctor!
Give His Medical Conference at Walter Reed, $6,000
Administer “important drugs” $6,500
“Release” him back to the White House $1,000,000*
*the taxpayer pays you!
Catch “his” actual virus via…
$2,000 Chris Christie’s daily leftovers*
*guaranteed minimum crusts and vegetables
$3,000 droplets from the angry spewed bile of any infected GOP Senator
$4,000 side hugging Kellyanne
$10,000 entering a vehicle he’s paraded in.
$15,000 having Kayleigh breathe on you
$20,000 enjoying a make out session with Hope (normal rates slashed in half!)
$160,000* bootlicking *we pay you (position already filled!)
These are (very) limited time offers. Act now before the drugs wear off!
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A former Washington, DC TV news producer, Debra A. Klein has contributed personal essays and features about places she once never knew existed to: The New York Times, Conde Nast Traveler, National Geographic Traveler, Travel and Leisure, and Newsweek magazines, as well as The Little Brown Reader, 9th Edition and The New York Times Practical Guide to Practically Everything, among other publications. Follow her on Twitter @IWishIHadTyped
