New “He’s Back” Fundraising Menu

For a limited time we’re offering a rare opportunity to harbor POTUS’s very virus in your body. A must-have for the MAGA in your life, as important as a Ford F-150, patriotic do rag, or swastika-ink! Don’t just love your leader, prove it! A lucky few may even die for him!

Lick his dirty utensils, $500
Touch his used IV drip, $1,000
For little Proud Boys and Girls*, *only if they’re 8s and up, no “uggos,”
Halloween Signed Face Mask, $2,500; with Sharpie, $2,800; with extra Covid, $3,000)
Lock of “hair”*  $3,500
*may not be used for paternity or rape kit testing
Official bed pan, $5,000
Dirty, $6,000
You Be The Doctor! 
Give His Medical Conference at Walter Reed, $6,000
Administer “important drugs” $6,500
“Release” him back to the White House $1,000,000*
*the taxpayer pays you!
Catch “his” actual virus via… 
$2,000 Chris Christie’s daily leftovers*
*guaranteed minimum crusts and vegetables
$3,000 droplets from the angry spewed bile of any infected GOP Senator
$4,000 side hugging Kellyanne
$10,000 entering a vehicle he’s paraded in.
$15,000 having Kayleigh breathe on you
$20,000 enjoying a make out session with Hope (normal rates slashed in half!)
$160,000* bootlicking *we pay you (position already filled!)

These are (very) limited time offers. Act now before the drugs wear off!