Catholic Church Sends Cease and Desist Letter
Dear Exalted Leader Todd,
The Catholic Church, LLC, and its subsidiaries are the owners of the trademarks and intellectual properties found in the Bible, the Crusades, Churches, Veggie Tales, and thousands of other properties.
It has come to our attention that The Church of Todd has been using characters and stories owned by the Catholic Church during its “Friday Night Kegger Services”. We have not given Todd consent to use Jesus, Mary, crucifixion, misery, guilt, or famine.
We have read The Book of The Church of Todd, and were blown away by the blatant thievery. In one section “Jane” claims she never had sex with “Michael”, but then can’t explain how she got Ghonnoria. “Jane” and “Michael” are clearly “Mary” and “Joseph.” In another section, when the “Friday Night Kegger” seems doomed to turn into a “bummer” because the Keg was tapped and it was too late to order pizza, it was witnessed that “Todd” made a beer and Taco Bell Run. Clearly an allusion to Jesus feeding the crowd with just five loaves of bread and two fish. Maybe also to the whole water into wine thing.
We understand that you felt tempted to use our IP has inspiration in your own attempt to gain power, control, and wealth. Jesus is a very lucrative character, as are some of our other inspired creations: the Crusades, the Pope, Santa Clause. And we have to protect our property at all costs.
I don’t want you to feel singled out. We have also reached out to The Mormons, The Muslims, C.S Lewis, and Kanye West asking them to respect our very valuable IP. We hold the right to take further action. We have a stable of morally questionable lawyers and if necessary will enlist the help of God to shut down any unauthorized use of our IP. Trust me, no one wants to bring God into this, but we will if necessary.
To show we are not all bad, enclosed is a bible, a rosary, and a communion cracker. Praise Jesus.
The Divine (basically god),
Pope Francis
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I recently quit my job as an engineer to enter the equally profitable field of freelance comedy writing. Buildings can burn down, but you can’t just burn a book. Chandler Bing was my most reliable adult presence growing up. The goal of my writing is to make people laugh, but also, to create a cult following that will lift me to the position of deity that I so crave. Someone give me a job.
