The Year Santa’s OCD Ruined Christmas

He’s making a list and checking it twice…he’s checking it again, just to be sure. Oh dear, the “t” on Robert’s name wasn’t quite crossed correctly. Better check the list again. It seems “Sally’s name has one “l” that’s not quite identical to the other “l”. He’d better create a new list.


He’s making a list and checking it twice…he’s checking it just one more time because checking it thrice is far better than just twice because three is universal and is the tripartide nature of the world as heaven, earth, and waters. Oh for crying out loud, this Alexus spells her name with a “u” and not the common colloquial “i”, and he can’t understand why people must be so precious with children’s names, can’t we go back to the good old days of strong, biblical names and spellings. Better write the list again, this parchment had a bad aura about it anyway.


He’s making a list and checking it twice… he’s checking it one more time because the number 3 is a glyph of course and far more thorough than just twice and four times seems a bit excessive and there are three paths, after all, to salvation in the Bhagavad Gita named Karma Yoga, Bhakti Yoga and Jnana Yoga.. He’s going to find out who’s naughty or…oh for the love of jinglesocks, it seems there’s a speck of nog on the far right upper corner of this parchment and he must start all over again, but not before he washes his hands several times.


He’s washing his hands and soaping them twice…and must first go from pinky to index, saving the thumb for last of course and now washing them just one more time because prior to Ragnarök, there will be three hard winters without an intervening summer, the Fimbulwinter. His hands don’t feel clean just quite yet. Better start over, just to be safe, especially since it’s flu season and he’s going to be exposed to all of these dirty children’s germs and Kringle knows what other filthy nests these creatures abide in where there’s just not enough hand sanitizer in the world to sterilize and feel whole again.


He’s washing his hands, and soaping them twice and just one more time because there are three ways to understand the end of birth which is the Triple Bodhi called Budhu, Pasebudhu, and Mahaarahath, but it’s not like these children know any of that, they are just concerned with what presents they’re getting and what that goddamned shelf elf’s been up to and would it kill them to leave out some healthy snacks instead of processed cookies that are just not on his keto plan?


He’s taking some pills, and getting a rest. He’ll come back to the list when he’s a little less stressed.

Santa Claus is coming to town.