Christmas Cocktails to Suit Your Mood*

*Non-Alcoholic Versions Work Well for Mercurial Holiday Dispositions Too

Needing to jingle all the way – not just some of the way, though we know you’re tired – through the December dinners, family festivities, kids’ caroling concerts, in-laws complaining your home is too cold, cousins complaining your home is too warm, parents complaining your home should be a house and not an apartment at this age, whilst neighbors snicker that your chicken pot pie is filling the frosty air with scents of too much pot and not enough pie?

This winter, lighten your mood by choosing your drink! You have the power. You are the drinking star here (not star drinker – let’s not go overboard) who deserves to shine brilliantly beside the twinkling Christmas tree you laboriously hauled from storage into your living room to spend hours meticulously fanning out its fake pine leaves, only to have your cat destroy it in under three minutes. But remember: you got Christmas covered! I repeat: you have the holiday power! You’re the reason this season is going to be your best one yet! Because you can pick your poison over letting your poison pick you. For when you cannot ease your mood to leisurely drink, pick a leisurely drink to suit your mood!

Imbibe wisely!

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The Aperol Spritz
When your perfect friends post perfect pics of them skiing in Italy’s Alps, order this at your local dive bar (and tell the bartender how to make it because no one in The Thirsty Crow’s history has ever ordered one). Then kiss your wallet, since you’re saving for a new refrigerator instead of a New Year’s Eve celebration in Capri. The Aperol Spritz is your congratulatory cocktail of economic intelligence! It smells of hints of prudence, thoughts of goodwill, and wealth’s generational posterity (since an updated culinary gadget is the gift that keeps giving, making every mundane kitchen moment everyone’s most wonderful time of the year).

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The Old Fashioned
Whether you’re for or against him, this burnt orange slice makes us think of you-know-who. Currently bored at your Christmas potluck? Or wanting to ignite fiery conversation alongside the Hanukkah candles? Make an Old Fashioned, then start political debates with extended family who flew in specifically to see you! It doesn’t matter what topic you slice out of today’s fruitcake of current events: you’re here to enliven the atmosphere, get chestnuts crackin’, get everyone dancin’ merrily in the new old-fashioned way.

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The Dirty Martini
You’re hanging so many stockings with care. You have so many kids, you don’t know how this happened. Truly, you don’t remember how this could have occurred; you haven’t been frisky in forever, especially around stressful holidays. So, order a dirty martini! Have two or three! Linger sucking on those dirty olives – and maybe, Santa will later be lingering up your chimney.

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Pomegranate Margarita
Is a seed stuck in your throat, or are you gagging with excitement after receiving an insane Christmas bonus? Who’ll be fertilizing this house with sweet moolah? You, that’s who! Drink up Persephone’s favorite fruit and manifest her mother Demeter to harvest your hard-earned Egyptian cotton sheets in a sateen weave that’ll tuck you through many tequila sunsets. Soon you’ll be shouting, “Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”

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Whiskey Sour
Your ex is finally getting a divorce. You found out at your company Christmas party (yep, you still work together) when he brought his mom as his plus one and she spilled the sparkling tea. “I knew he should have married you, even though my son graduated Yale and you barely attended San Bernardino Community College,” your almost mother-in-law said. Are you happy? Sad? A victim of schadenfreude, smiling because you and your ex share the same job title though he has an MBA and you an AA? Be naughty and nice: drink this dichotomous concoction that’s bitter and sweet! Savor the best of both worlds by the sip!

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Long Island Iced Tea
Does your therapist want you to double your sessions, but your New Year’s resolution is to lessen them? Does this therapist suggest switching you to a different facility because they’re feeling you need a higher level of care, but you’re feeling fine? Well holly jolly: gulp a Long Island Iced Tea! Enjoy the seasonal rush of conflicting emotions while you wrap your presents up with this year’s accomplishments. You contain multitudes; you need a drink that matches your plethoric personality. You’re more potent than your potential; you’re not simply bland iced tea – you’re a taste of everything. Salud! And if you do change clinics, remember: if Dr. Francis can’t handle you, Dr. Fernando (probably) can.

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Gin Rickey
Lose your job? Behind on rent? Collection agencies after your ass? Order a Gin Rickey and drink yourself back to the summer of 1929! If your forefathers got out of The Great Depression, you can drink your way out of a minor recession. Let the gin jazzercise you. You’ll be rockin’ around the Christmas tree in no time!

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The Grasshopper
Feeling a bit behind in life? Don’t fret: the Grinch was 53 years old when he stole Christmas. Your time to shine has just begun!

Cheers, friends!
This one’s on me (next one’s on you).