Classic Works of Literature Rebranded for Millennials
“A Tale of Two Tweets”
At long last reunited with Lucie, Dr. Manette is thankful now that father and daughter can finally direct message each other. Later, Sydney Carton makes the ultimate sacrifice by giving Charles Darnay his Twitter password.
“Waiting for Godot’s GrubHub Delivery”
Estragon and Vladimir decide to have a quiet night in, watching reruns of Frasier while they wait for their GrubHub delivery of chicken vindaloo. According to the app, Godot is “on the way with their order,” but never arrives. They rate Godot one star.
“Romeo and His BAE”
Romeo falls in love with Juliet despite a heated encounter with her cousin Tybalt at Whole Foods, where he takes from him the last ripe avocado. They argue and Romeo kills him with his tote bag.
“@ulysses”
A tale about a day in the life of Ireland’s most opinionated food critics, narrated in a stream of consciousness of eight hundred and forty six Instagram Stories that make no sense.
“Wuthering Height$$”
An orphan who eventually moves out from his parents’ home when he’s thirty, Heathcliff pines for Catherine Earnshaw, the family’s daughter and frequent recipient of his “u up?” texts. Because their love is forbidden, they talk on Snapchat.
“War and Peace Be Poppin’”
Widely considered the best novel of all time, this epic vignette of the Napoleonic Wars features a staggering count of nearly six hundred unique brands. Only Pierre Bezukhov rises above them because he’s woke.
“Madame Bovary: The Real Desperate Housewife of Yonville”
Bored with her provincial life and unimaginative husband, Madame Bovary joins Tinder, only to discover that there are exactly two men in a fifty mile radius that are in her age group and down to Poetry and Chill.
“The Epic of Beyoncémesh”
Saddened by humanity’s sheer number of horrible dance routine attempts at “Single Ladies,” the ancient gods create a wild man named Jay-Z to comfort Beyoncémesh, ruler of Uruk and a child of Destiny. She is two-thirds god and one-third queen bee.
“Crime and Slaaaaayment”
Realizing that he’ll never pay off his student loans, Raskolnikov kills an old woman to prove that he’s above society’s morals, but immediately regrets it because the murder wasn’t recorded on Facebook Live.
“Les Millennialés”
Based on the Hollywood musical starring Anne Hathaway and Wolverine from the X-Men, Les Millennialés is about a man who gets sentenced to nineteen years in prison for pirating a single episode of Game of Thrones.
“Pride and Prejudiced AF”
Same story, but with zombies.
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Irving Ruan is a writer and comedian living in the San Francisco Bay Area. His work has been published in McSweeney’s, Funny Or Die, The Bold Italic, The Cooper Review, and elsewhere. You can find him on Twitter, where his tweets are read by hundreds but only three are entertained.
