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Sex With Me, Sponsored By Brooklinen

Wow, that was great! You know what they say about seven minutes in heaven: you can do it in four. Let me just throw this condom away. And speaking of away, Away Luggage is quickly becoming the most trusted suitcase brand from young professionals on the go. Not saying you have to go! You can totally stay the night if you want.

#Slutty80sMovies

The Lust Boys, The Princess Ride, When Harry Wet Sally, and more #Slutty80sMovies on this week's trending joke game!

New From Sephora: Motor Oil

From Sephora: The maker of Blackcurrant Oil, Argan Oil, Rose Hip Seed Oil, Marula Oil, and Dilo Oil, comes: Motor Oil - Just drizzle a dime-size amount on your palm, put on your finger, and rub under the eyes in a circular motion. Watch as the sulfur antioxidants slowly exfoliate your delicate features.

I Saw Mommy Kissing the Easter Bunny (But So Did Santa Claus, Unfortunately)

You shouldn't judge my mother. She was a single mom working a full-time job and raising two small children. Of course, she found it difficult to date men who weren't put off or intimidated by the fact that she had kids. Perhaps it's only natural that she gravitated towards quasi-mythical holiday gift-bearing immortal figures like Santa Claus. He wasn't afraid of children, not in the least. We were the only reason he came around in the first place. That and the cookies.

Mrs. Claus' Dec 24th To Do (While Santa Is Away) List

Place Frosty's magic hat onto life-sized cardboard cut-out of Brad Pitt, hope for the best. Hose out Santa's "Naughty Dungeon". Deep down, he's a good man; we all have our vices. And more!

A Senator’s Holiday Gift Guide For His Secret Girlfriend

Following her back on Instagram from your official government account. Breaking it off with your second slightly more secret girlfriend. A dog. She needs emotional support from somewhere. And more!

More Terrifying German Monsters Who are Not Krampus for the Other Holidays

The Krampus, the goat-like German Christmas demon, is responsible for spreading a festive mix of anxious joy and existential terror every year on December 6th when he comes to punish the naughty children. But once the Christmas season is past, who takes over the hallowed task of striking warmth and dread into the hearts of people, throughout the year? 

Our Family Faces Many Challenges Inside This Closed Garage

OK, honey, we get it. You’re saying that the issue of the rising CO1 levels in our closed garage is very important to you. And we appreciate that you’re passionate about it. Try to remember that everyone in this minivan has issues that we care about and think are very important. They can’t all be first, so let’s take them one at a time, OK, sweet pea? Good.

CARTOON: Dominatrix Divorce

Bad hurt, not good hurt. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers and Kit Lively.

Can You Tell Me How to Get, How to Get Away From Cancelled Street? Sesame Street Characters Apology Tour

Pyramid schemes, missing underpants, Fraggle centipedes, and a big nest on Epstein's island, put these well loved Muppets in hot water.

Inventory List Of The FBI's Raid Of Trump

Secret identity of Q (it's Tony Danza!!) McDonalds' Grimace life size sex doll, Trump steaks made of real Trump! (mostly his mother) And more!

Truly Terrible Beach Tips

Be sure to bring a sunblock bottle that contains at least 16 ounces, an excellent way to sneak in your vodka.

#SexySoups

Italian Wedding Night, Chicken and Humplings, Consummate, and more #SexySoups on this week's trending joke game!

CARTOON: Sexpectations

Be open about expectations. Today's cartoon by Lance Risseeuw.

This Pride Month, Ben & Jerry’s Is Introducing New Flavors To Help You Come Out To Your Aging Parents

Honey, I'm Combing Out: If all else fails, just buy them this honeycomb ice cream, put on the Donna Summer classic and call it a day.

CARTOON: Programmer Pickups

Thanks, I just rebooted. Today's cartoon by Michael Shaw.

Fake Product History: The Evolution of KY Jelly

1939 - 40 New York World's Fair-   During the first presentation of the new KY Jelly product, a large container of the jelly is accidentally spilled onto the stage, resulting in the first known instance of what eventually comes to be known as breakdancing.

CARTOON: Smells Fishy

Spawn here often? Today's cartoon by Mat Barton & Adam Cooper.

CARTOON: Garden of Eat'n

No brainer. Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

#RandyCandy

Reese’s C-Cups, Mike and Ike and Suzy, The Poly Rancher, and more #RandyCandy on this week's trending joke game!

Brutally-Honest Petfinder 

Rufus has so much love to give. Our behaviorist jokes that this not-so-bashful toy terrier is battling a Charlie Sheen-level sex addiction. All kidding aside, it’s probably best to keep this randy rascal away from other pets, stuffed animals, and anything you wouldn’t want to see coated in semen.

Let's Get High And Go To The Van Gogh Museum

I know I’ve never done marijuana before, but I hear the weed is different here, stronger, fancier, more European. Like people forget where they are and just wander the streets of Amsterdam, with time revealing itself as the manmade construct it’s always been. People say you’ll learn to live fully in the moment, and everything else falls away, like an ear falling off someone’s head.

Totally True Oscar Facts

Tom Hanks, Sean Penn, and Jack Nicholson are secretly all the same man. Disney's Dumbo is the first NC-17 film to ever be nominated. No one has ever seen The English Patient. And more!

Every Interview With a 1970s Hollywood Producer

Interviewer: Exactly how much cocaine did you do in the 1970s? *Note: Bergmann stands up, proceeds to get a ladder, and climbs to the second to last step on the ladder, so he can hold out his hand and give an accurate representation regarding the height of a mass cocaine mountain.

#VulgarVideoGames

Mario Fart, Foreplay Station, World Of Warmshaft, and more very immature #VulgarVideosGames on this week's trending joke game!

What You Saw Last Night Was a Natural Expression of Love Between Two People With CPAP Machines

Sometimes, couples who share a diagnosis of obstructive sleep apnea discover that they also share an interest in experimentation with forcing pressurized air through hose delivery systems, thus accidentally revolutionizing their sex lives. We hope that one day you find someone you love this much, and when you do, you can entrust them with your heated tubing.

Swipe Left Club

Not everybody gets swiped right on dating APPs. Some people get swiped left. Chalk it up to a bad haircut, a sick fetish, or a prison record, but some people just have that certain je ne sais quoi that can only be found in books, though not bestsellers. Excerpted from SwipeLeftClub.com a new illustrated series by J.C. Duffy.

#DisgustingDisneyMovies

The Little Sperm Maid, Seeping Booty, Beauty and the Yeast and more #DisgustingDisneyMovies on this week's trending joke game!

If the Liberals Have Their Way, There Will Be No Bangable Chocolate at All

I mean, have you ever tried to get past first base with a Hershey’s Kiss? It’s beyond frustrating. But you try, and try again, and then you go home still horny, with all these little incriminating bits of aluminum foil that your wife asks suspicious questions about.

New Dating Apps That Hopefully No One Will Ever Need

Fist A Cyst, Raunch Dressing, Insurrection Erection, and more!

QUIZ: Do You Have a Celebrity Crush or an Unhealthy Attraction to Sexy Psychopaths?

Which of the following do you fantasize about? a. A night of hot sex with the actor who portrays the villain, being fully aware that you may never see him again, and he may not remember your name. b. A night of hot sex with the villain (you know he’ll never kink-shame you) being fully aware that he may forgo a postcoital cuddle in favor of sneaking out to perform assorted evil deeds

#SinfulCereals

Boobberry, Vice Krispies, Lusty Charms, and more #SinfulCereals on this week's trending joke game!

Ass Weakly Magazine

In this issue of ASS Weakly: Excerpts from Andrew Cuomo New Book: Hands On Politics A Touchy Subject, Ooze With Cruz-Our Q&A With The Slimy Senator, and Ghislaine Maxwell Says "Get Out Of The Dark Ages! Women Can Be Creepy Perverts Too!"

CARTOON: Doom Boom

Use it or lose it. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Straight Guys: Love 3-in-1 Shampoo, Conditioner & Body Wash? Meet Your New Must-Haves

5-in-1 Scented Spray: Cologne, Air Freshener, Deodorant, Detergent & Breath Spray. When it comes to strong, masculine scents, here is the truth most people won’t tell you: more is more.

The Merchant of Venice Emails His Shipping Container Company To Inquire About His Delayed Sex Goods

These nasty novelties are needed at once for gifts — this Christian can not ruin Christmas for lonely men seeking safe pleasure play during these plague-ed times. NOW, YOU MUST HONOR OUR AGREED PRICE TO DELIVER THE GOODS and stop this coitus supply interruptus. 

CARTOON: Thar She Blows

One for One? Today's cartoon by Jeff Hobbs.

#HornyHorrorMovies

Yankenstein, Sleepy Swallow, An American Werewolf in Linda, and more #HornyHorrorMovies on this week's trending joke game!

CARTOON: Finish Line

Good for you? Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

VAXIM Magazine

Pharma Sutra: Can Pfizer Make You A "Riser"? Johnson & Johnson Into Your Johnson? And more!

Yoga to be Kidding: My G-Spot is not between my Y O and A-Spot

Thinking slow might be the way to go, I tried Hatha. Nothing. Faster. I tried Flow. Faster. Faster. Don’t stop. I tried Ashtanga. Still nothing. Maybe Hot Yoga. It’s sweaty. Maybe Anusara. It’s Tantric-based. Nope. Nada. Maybe it was the instructor. I tried a man. I tried a woman. It became overwhelmingly clear that my g-spot did not seem to lie between my y o and a-spot.

Rudebook Magazine

Looking Good: 12 Ways To Find and Keep Unattractive Friends To Stand Next To,Lithium: Cheer up any dish with this surprise seasoning, 'Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!' And Other Things To Yell During Orgasm, and more in this issue of Rudebook Magazine.

CARTOON: Deflating Ego

Punctured fun. Today's cartoon by Kit Lively.

Chores That I Absolutely Won't Get To This Weekend

Shaking the loose toenails off of the hammock in the backyard. Taking all of those vhs porn tapes to the Goodwill. Applying WD40 to the zippers of my parachute pants collection. And more!

Truly Terrible Signs That You're at a Crummy Nude Beach

Even the crabs have crabs.

CARTOON: Bird Watching

But who is watching the watchers? Today's cartoon by Dan Misdea.

CARTOON: Cold Shoulder

Snowcone? Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

AirBnB Listing for the Love Shack

Other Things to Note: The air conditioner is busted, so you might find yourself wearin’ next to nothing ‘cause it’s hot as an oven. Also, the whole shack shimmies when everybody’s movin’ around. Will this be an issue? Only if you find yourselves having a pure and innocent dance party! 

CARTOON: Inflate Date

Hot, hot air. Today's cartoon by Jeff Hobbs.

Kama Sutra Positions Inspired By Terminology On Your History Exam

The Bay of Pigs Invasion: The woman positions a chorizo Cubano in such a way as to provoke the man to perform a Sneaky Castro. As American citizens, you are officially not involved.

CDC Releases New Safe Sex Guidelines for Sterilized and Unsterilized People

It is safe for both sterilized and unsterilized people to go shopping as long as everyone wears condoms.

I Don’t Wear Makeup For Men, I Wear Makeup For The Ghost of The Confederate Soldier Who Haunts My Apartment

He’s not really one for this world, so we pretty much stay in the apartment. And he’s not totally outdated—recently he discovered Fox News and absolutely loves it.

#FriskyFairyTales

Rumpledforeskin, The Pied Peeper, Puss 'n Boobs, and more #FriskyFairyTales on this week's trending joke game!

Lose Weight The French Way: 5 Diet Tips REVEALED! 

3. Smoke. Ah, the yoga of the French. Their daily practice of loosening the body, stretching the sense of good breath and firming up their hand to mouth coordination starts young and never stops.

Dewey Vista Acres Retirement Community- Notes & Comments RE: The Recent Rec Room Orgy

Mrs. Smithee, not a great time to show other residents photos of your grandchildren. Please be aware of sharp edges on rec room ping pong table. Polygrip not a suitable substitute for KY Jelly. And more.

The Witch Demands a Retraction: Fairy Tale Reboots For Adults - [Book Excerpt]

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Pinocchio Runs for Office, The Peeved Piper, Not So Snow White and so many more in this twisted collection of adult fairy tales! This hilarious collection of poems by Melissa Balmain puts a grown-up, contemporary spin on the stories and characters we all learned as children, from Little Red Riding Hood, to the Three Bears, the Pied Piper, and Cinderella; each delightfully depicted in full-color by Ron Barrett, (Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs) one of the best and award winning illustrators in the business. Now #1 in new releases on Amazon! Get your copy today!

#DemonicDatingApps

Sinder, Harmers Only, Scratch, and more ##DemonicDatingApps on this week's trending joke game!

Truly Terrible TV/Movie Pitches

Bachelord Of The Rings: Lord Of The Rings cosplay enthusiasts vie for the romantic attention of a beautiful model, who spends the better portion of the season pushing heavy furniture in order to block her dressing room door.

#PizzaPickUpLines

I've only got pies for you, I lost my pizza can I have yours? Wanna see my dough face? And more #PizzaPickUpLines on this week's #10 trending joke game!

8 Public Venmo Exchanges your Subconcious Didn't Need to Overanalyze Today

$42.00 from your therapist to her friend Krista for “cocktails Thursday night” - only two hours after your evening session. Is your stress so damn taxing on your therapist that she simply has no choice but to drink her annoyance away? Are you what’s pushing her to have to unwind like this? This feels like a slippery slope.

Unsurprising Revelations From Trump's 2nd Impeachment Trial

Trump enjoyed the scenes of destruction so much that he recorded over his VHS tape of sex with Stormy Daniels in order to preserve the footage.

Valentine’s Day Has Lost Its Original Purpose: Raw Dogging (By: St. Valentine)

But this year doesn’t have to be ruled by Hallmark, a stuffed animal, or a candy organ. The only organ we should be celebrating is the one without a condom going in and out of a lover or even better, a stranger.

Auntie Anne's Starts an OnlyFans

Tier 1 - Snack Me Off - $10.00/month: This entry-level subscription will give you full access to the photo catalogue of our powdered, glazed, and salt-studded talent. Enjoy the long, seductive curves, and girthy pretzel twists that you’ve grown to miss so deeply. Gaze lustfully at our house-made lemonade dripping wet over a mound of long, steaming pretzel dogs. Uh oh, silly us-- it looks like our sweet-cream glaze is oozing all over again. But don’t get full, because it doesn’t stop there. If you buy-in now, you’ll gain access to our newest, sexiest photo-set “The Pretzel Orgy” (these are just photos of pretzels in a big pile).

#SexySitcoms

Spongeworthy Squarepants, Parks and Procreation, Happy Lays, and more #SexySitcoms on this week's trending joke game!

7 Sexy COVID-19 Halloween Costumes

Sexy Cancelled Wedding: Did you cancel your wedding during COVID-19 or get invited to a cancelled wedding? Mmm, nothing sexier. In this micro-wedding dress, there are cancelled deposits stuck all over, as well as wedding vows from real almost couples who have now broken up cause it’s a pandemic and they realize they hate each other and the other person is a fricking weird chewer.

Why Don’t You Call her What She Is – Your Octopus *Whore*

What has she got that I haven’t got, Craig? Besides eight mesmerizing tentacles, the ability to change color and texture, and a disinclination to speak? I’ll dye my hair any color you want, but I’m sorry, buddy – I’ve only got the two arms, and neither of them are covered in little suction cups.

When I Gave You My Virginity, I Didn’t Think You’d Put It In the Same Box As Your Childhood Teeth

We had a sweet relationship. You were the nicest first boyfriend a girl could ask for. You brought me coffee before class and taught me how to put air in my tires. In return, I gave you the most precious thing a girl has to offer: the eternal lotus flower of my immaculate virginity. 

Is it Time for our Pandemic Pod to Become a Swingers’ Circle?

There’s any number of configurations this could take. It’s gonna be a long summer – we could rotate out who watches the kids while the rest of us ménage it up in the rec room. We could watch each other bone. We could wait until the kids are all asleep and throw ourselves a proper orgy. The possibilities are endless.

Examining The Medical Prowess Of Donald Trump: Other Examples Of His Insightful Brilliance

“Using a tanning bed on it’s highest setting for several hours every day is great for you. If it weren’t, why would it make you , or me, look so healthy and photogenic?”

Fortune Cookies for the Coronapocalypse

Beware of chaotic sexual energy that could land you in the ICU. No glove, no love. No mask, no ass.

#FlirtyFastFood

McRibbed For Her Pleasure, Side Chick-fil-A, Legg McMuffin, and more #FlirtyFastFood on this week's trending joke game!

I Was Unaware Edible Underwear Is Meant To Be A Sex Thing

This is the worst timing, too—I just bought a bunch of great new pairs that I was really looking forward to wearing. I should probably try to sell them and make some money back. Are you sure you don’t know anyone who might be interested in buying 40, maybe 50 pairs of edible underwear?

A Few Thoughts on All These Couples Self-Isolating Together and How I, a Reality TV Executive, Can’t Get a Camera Crew Across State Lines to Film Them

Think of the hundreds of hours of tearful confessional booth footage that will never be captured, never even make it to the editing room. I’m telling you, this will be our national treasure left buried. Our ark of the covenant. Our holy grail.

#KinkyCartoons

SpongeBob NoPants, Bi-Curious George, The Gimpsons, and more #KinkyCartoons on this week's trending joke game!

QUARANTEEN Magazine

Your first kiss!! Which type of face-masks are best? ... Page 34/ Win a Zoom chat video lunch date with Nick Jonas!! .... Page 38/ No need to social distance yourself from these hot shirtless hunk wall posters !!

#SexySandwiches

French Nip, BLTease, Jon Hamm & Chesse, and more #SexySandwiches on this week's trending joke game!

69ing to Herd Immunity

As the chief architect of this revolutionary plan I would, of course, love to volunteer to test it out. However, I’ve got this hip thing that currently makes sexual flexibility a real challenge. But you guys go ahead and get it started!

Truly Terrible Companies Sending Out Coronavirus CEO E-mails

You Snooze, You Luge Narcoleptic Winter Sports Enthusiasts, Baloneedful Things Gift Shoppe & Deli, Totally Nude Scrapbookers Of America, and more!

#NaughtyBoardGames

'Blouse Trap', 'Go Fist', 'Sorry, Wrong Hole'. Oh my, things got adult and we trended with #NaughtyBoardGames on this week's joke game!

#SexyStateSlogans

'Hawaii: We're All Getting Lei'd!' 'California: Thongs and bongs.' 'Delaware came first', and more #SexyStateSlogans on this week's joke game!

Unfulfilled New Year's Resolutions (So Far)

Just go out and buy a new coat when the coat you're wearing gets too much blood on it; treat yourself, you've earned it.

CARTOON: In Holiday Heat

That's not Rudolph's nose. Today's cartoon by Brandon Hicks.

This is Not the Republican Party I Slept With in College

I imagine if we tried to get intimate these days, you’d get all bristly and say, “So, I suppose you want me to GIVE you an orgasm? You want me to just GIVE you one? Everybody wants a handout!”

Modern Additions To The Kama Sutra 

Mother May I?  (submitted by Mike Pence), The Selfie, U and MeKraine and more!

Announcing the Ex-Boyfriend Reunion Tour

We've picked the perfect venue for this disastrous occasion: the really cool bar that you introduced all of them to. You know, the one where they now take girls who they're trying to sleep with to "hang out." Not that you still watch their Instagram stories or anything. Please.

Welcome to the "Humpkin Patch," Connecticut's Only 18 And Over Pumpkin Patch

Risqué photo ops? We got ‘em! We know you dirty fall deviants love to stick your head in all kinds of holes. That’s why we’ve painted a series of erotic scenes for you to insert your face into. Do it for the ‘gram! But be warned: The scenes depicted violate several codes of conduct on all major social networks.

No Son Of Mine Is Going To Have Premarital Sex In My House. No, He’ll Have It In The Garage… That’s Where The Magic Happens!

I’m sorry, but if (and when) one of my sons breaks the sacred bonds of matrimonial bliss, then he best be doing it in our charming, romantic (and hot-as-hell) garage… because that’s where the magic goes down! 

If You’ve Been Accused of Exploiting Women, Then Call the Law Firm That Represented James Franco Now

How do we do it? Here at the law firm that represented James Franco, we leverage systemic societal and legal injustices that favor wealthy men in power so that YOU TOO can get away with exploiting women for little or no consequence!

Bathroom Remodeling Secrets

  There’s no such thing as a dream bathroom, just…

Dear Family, I’m Marrying The Green Lady M&M

Afterward, shuttle buses will take guests to the reception to be held at the estate of Bartholomew Richard Fitzgerald-Smythe aka Mr. Peanut. Dinner will be catered by Chef Boyardee himself and desserts provided by the Keebler Elves. (And yes, Ms.Green can eat chocolate. It is not cannibalism! We’re made of meat and eat pork. Same thing!!)

Love & Dating Advice Based On The Number Of Letters In Your First Name

Four Letters: You actually met the love of your life yesterday at 6:43 pm. Or you would have if you didn’t insist on getting pho again for like the ninth day in a row. Instead, that person you gave your number to will be ruining your life for the next eleven years.

We’re Ditching The Gender Reveal. You’re Cordially Invited To Our Conception Reception

What’s a conception reception? Think Burning Man meets Midsommar. For the next seven days, we’ll be celebrating the ovulation happening in Sarah’s tubes and you’ll have a front row ticket to the show.

Gym Alternatives 

Drink so much coffee that your heart rate is the same as it would be if you ran 100 yards. That has the same effect on your body, right?

CARTOON: Spider-Man's Other Deals

Spider-Man's Sony and Disney deal has failed, but that's not the only one.

The Adventures of Agent Vagina and the Secret Cervix

The Name is VAGINA. Agent Vagina. Otherwise known as ‘Secret Agent Double-O-Face’. Often called ‘Angry V’, Agent Vagina is a Warrior with a failed Mission. The Objective: enslave the Enemy, a super good looking and brainwashable Penis Custodian, to service her with his weapon

Other Ways to Celebrate Woodstock 50

Go back and listen to the music that made Woodstock, perhaps for the first time while sober.

Sexting Before Texting: PBS Explores The History of Erotic Communication

In the renaissance period, the European upper class would often commission nude portraits to be painted and hung in their master bedrooms. The process took a brisk two to four years to complete. Today, in a matter of moments after snapping a photo of your pale, awkward torso-to-thighs region, you can get a text from your great-grandmother saying, “I didn’t survive the Holocaust to see this”! Isn’t technology amazing?

5 Types of Cats to Catcall in Place of Real Life Humans

Sphynx Cats: Can’t call your ex-wife ugly to her face anymore? Sami the Sphynx doesn’t give two shits about your troubled past that gave you an inner self hatred that projects onto other people. She’s just a cat! But she bites. So, wear your New Balances.

Things I’ve Said About Making Hollandaise Sauce or Masturbating

“I swear I’m going to finish, even if it kills me.” “It’s all about rhythm.” “It’s the perfect addition to any breakfast!” And more!

Origin Stories of Weirdly Specific Rules

This Burger King Ice Machine is For Soda Not For Genitals, Absolutely No Squirrels in the Indoor Hot Tub, and more!

What if your Google Ad Bot Became Sentient?

OK, so now you’re looking up flights to France? Why? You know you aren’t actually going to go there, you were just looking up “ways to trick my mother in law into thinking I have more money” so, what game are we playing here?

Truly Terrible Signs That Summer Is Definitely Here

All the ladies are wearing less clothing, allowing tantalizing peeks of cleavage and colostomy bags.

All-Girls Catholic High School Sex-Ed Q&A With Sister Patricia

Every time a Catholic girl says “condom,” an angel loses its wings.

CARTOON: Spring Flowers

Spring has sprung! But it will cost you. Today's cartoon by Kit Lively.

CARTOON: Always Use A Coaster

Be safe. Use a coaster. Cartoon by Jack Loftus.

CARTOON: Snowballs

Just try to think about baseball. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

Transcript: On a Date with an NPR Host

Phil: Tonight’s date will be in four parts: Act I: Pleasantries: Shallow, nonaggressive compliments, observations about the restaurant’s rustic decor; Act II: Dinner and the Exchange of Personal Anecdotes: I’ll tell my story about that time I saw John Travolta at the post office; Act III: Foreplay: Are ears an erogenous zone? We’ll explore each other’s bodies and find out; and, finally, Act IV: Lovemaking: Can two souls still passionately intertwine in our modern age? Stay tuned. Anna: Sorry?

Valentine's From Your Mom's New Boyfriend

You're a HOOT...by the way OWL be moving my Bowflex into your playroom.

Love Me, Tinder! Worst Dating Profiles

Larry, 38, Nap enthusiast: My friends call me Lunchmeat Larry (except for my best friend, my mom, who prefers to call me Lunchmeat Lawrence), due to the fact that I smell uncannily similar to processed lunch meats,

CARTOON: Valentine Smarts

Chocolate Heart Inflation. Today's cartoon by Alexis Novak and Jason Chatfield.

New Dating Rules For The Apocalypse

Have sex on the first date, actually, have sex the first ten minutes of the first date. You are going to die very soon.

CARTOON: Secret Santa

The safe word is NOG. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

CARTOON: 23andMany

That's a lot of mommy's kissing Santa. Today's cartoon by Scott Nickel.

Talkward w/ guest Courtney Kocak

Today on Talkward is comedy writer and super star sex and dating podcast host Courtney Kocak! Courtney hosts the 'Reality Bytes' podcast- tune in every week for real talk about sex, love, relationships & dating in the digital age. We discuss having your gentiles molded in custom sex toys, her new experiences in standup comedy and being a writer for Amazon's Danger & Eggs!

The Metaphysics of the Second Date: A Syllabus

The Metaphysics of the Second Date: A Syllabus Professor: Lone…

The White House’s Kavanaugh Celebration Party

Sean Hannity has a VIP table in one corner. Alex Jones is here. His shirt is already off. Roger Stone is seen handing out small red flyers about an orgy he’s hosting the following night.

CARTOON: Predatory Correctness

You made him cry, are you happy now? Today's cartoon by David DeGrand and Kit Lively.

CARTOON: Minimum Requirements

You must meet these minimum requirements to enter. Today's cartoon by David DeGrand and Kit Lively.

4 Sex Positions Where You Can Secretly Watch a Steve Harvey Hosted Show

Your significant or not-so-significant other may want to try…

CARTOON: Why We Do Anything

The one true motivator.

My Dick is Stuck in a Westworld Robot

I came to Westworld for the unbridled adventure. It’s a world…

I’ll Have You Know, Riding My Scooter Makes Getting To Sex Appointments Much Faster

On your left! Please move out of my way, I’m the adult man riding the Razor scooter, and I really need to get to my next sex appointment ASAP!

To Whoever Was Using This Glory Hole

What’s up, fellas! How are you guys doing? Enjoying the hole?…

What to Expect After Implantation of Your Newterus®, the Hottest Feminine Upgrade Yet!

"Female cosmetic genital surgery is rapidly gaining popularity."—Plastic…

Why You’re Not Invited to Parties Anymore

That woman you brought to the last party kept biting the other…

Aphrodisiacs That'll Get You Real Horned Up In No Time

Someone else’s leftovers Costco samples A lettuce leaf that…

Quiz: New Diet Coke Flavor or Porn Star

1. Brandi Love 2. Feisty Cherry 3. Cherrie DeVille 4.…

The Real Reasons That Stormy Daniels Is Suing Trump

Trauma incurred by having accidentally glimpsing his scabby,…

Talkward w/guest Andrew Collin

This episode of Talkward welcomes guest Andrew Collin! Andrew…

Classic Works of Literature Rebranded for Millennials

"A Tale of Two Tweets” At long last reunited with Lucie, Dr.…

Other Notable Trysts that Quincy Jones Forgot to Mention in His Vulture Interview

Post Vulture interview, Quincy got a couple quick BJs from his…

Common Complaints About Popular Sex Toys

We asked, you answered.   Results from our first Weekly Humorist…

The Top 20 Bestselling British Porno Magazines

Keen Jugs Brilliant Fannies Tally Ho, Naked Ladies! Shag Fancy Cockney…

The Really Serious Problems With Sex Robots

1) They're oftentimes yell out Sarah Conner's name during intercourse.   2) …

“Toys For Tots” Goes Bust!

A newspaper typo turned a local toy drive into a major traffic…

The Weekly Humorist Last Minute Christmas Gift Giving Guide

Moscow Mule Drink Set You know those popular copper cups that…

Willie Wanking and the Chocolate Factory And 9 Other Examples Of Louis CK’s Favorite Things

Star Wars Character Hands Solo TV Show Masturbating…

Pretty Basic Swingers' Club Etiquette

A queef in a club is similar to a burp after a large meal in…