Cost Saving Tips for Budget-Conscious Trillionaires

With the price of gas, groceries and utilities increasing on a daily basis, everyone’s got to find ways to maximize their dollars.

And if you happen to be a trillionaire reading this article, you’re no exception.

Yes, you may have a little more money than others. Okay, you have a LOT more money than others. Okay, you have an obscenely absurd and categorically offensive amount of money more than others.

But it still pays to keep an eye on your spending habits.

True, a trillion dollars can still cover many of your daily expenses. But a single global depression could knock your net worth down to say, $850 billion. Sending you diving into your kitchen’s coupon drawer for 50% off and BOGO offers.

So, you’ll want to be prepared before a disaster like that hits. We recommend you start by analyzing the items you currently purchase most often. These would include:

Insanely Tricked-Out Super Yachts.

Let’s be honest. Do you really need seven insanely tricked-out 600-foot super yachts? Couldn’t you get by with just four insanely tricked-out super yachts? Oh. Well then, how about five? Yes, they would still only be 600 feet long. Ah. Well then, what about six?

I tell you what. Let’s compromise. Instead of the seven you currently own, you’ll agree to cut back to nine insanely tricked-out 599-foot super yachts. We’ll mark that down as progress.

Interplanetary Space Programs

I know. All the cool trillionaire kids have one. And it would be unfair if you weren’t allowed to own one, too. I get it. You’ve suffered enough.

But the truth is, rocketing men to Mars can be pricey. Yes, I am aware you were never serious about actually sending someone. And that it was always just a PR stunt to make you look good. But it still costs millions to fool everyone into believing you’re trying.

Perhaps you could consider scaling back. Just a bit, of course. For example, instead of sending a man to Mars, perhaps you could shoot for sending a cow to Mercury. It’s a lot closer. And currently about as feasible as that whole Man to Mars thing.

Supreme Court Justices

You already own seven of the nine. And they’ve been enough to bend every constitutional law in your favor. What’s that? No, you can’t buy the last two. It would give away the game. We’ve discussed this.

Besides, the cost of seven is high enough. And the upkeep alone is ridiculous. The cost of dry-cleaning the nervous sweat out of their robes following that Roe v. Wade decision nearly broke the bank by itself.

So, instead of owning seven, maybe cut back to five. You’ll still get everything you want. And will save money to boot. Did I mention those dry-cleaning bills? They’re not going to get any cheaper.

Entire Political Parties

You currently own both. And they’ve already rewritten every law, tax loophole and funding bill to your stipulated needs. And will probably continue to do so out of habit at this point.

But the costs are never ending. You’ve got to shell out to rig elections. And pay thousands of fake protesters to attend rallies they don’t even care about. All while buying up every form of media so you can cover everything up.

Now, admittedly, it’s been worth the money in the long run. But it’s still expensive. What if you cut back to owning just one party? Okay, what about one and a half?  Maybe start with that and then look for other opportunities to save?

Whole Nation States

Now, you can’t afford to own them all. Well okay, you actually can. But the costs still add up. There are 195 recognized countries on Earth. What if you let go of some of the smaller ones? Like Nauru, or Tuvalu – or the Maldives.

Although, in truth, owning those three is pretty cool. They’re so cheap to push around and dominate. Hell, your monthly ownership costs are practically a rounding error.

You know what, on second thought, go ahead and own them all. Along with those two techtopian floating island nations you’re planning to launch so you can rule like an unhinged despot after declaring yourself God King and Emperor.

But only those two. And then no more. You don’t want to get greedy.

In Summary

I think we’ve made progress here. We’ve identified some real savings that could positively impact your net worth. Which, by the way, has increased by more than a billion dollars during the four minutes it took to read this article.

And if you follow our guidelines and stick to your budget, you’ll find you can actually make one trillion dollars work for your household, even in today’s economy. Allowing you to reduce your daily stress and finally get some peaceful sleep at night.

That way, at least one person on this planet will.

• About the Author
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Bryan Lyng

Bryan Lyng is a freelance writer who used to work for some of the largest corporations in the world. Until one day, when no one was watching; he escaped.

Since then, he’s written books, novels, screenplays, ad copy and articles for everyone from Slackjaw, to Little Old Lady Comedy, Robot Butt and more. He once even won a One Show Award for humorous web site copy. And yes, that is a thing.

• Cost Saving Tips for Budget-Conscious Trillionaires