Despite the Fact That I Personally Orchestrated His Release From Arkham Asylum, It Is Not My Responsibility as Mayor of Gotham City to Protect Citizens From Mr. Freeze

“Texas mayor tells residents to fend for themselves during power outage: ‘Only the strong will survive.” – The Washington Post, 2/17/21

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Residents of Gotham City, as your mayor, I come bearing a simple message for you: Suck it up.

 

Yes, I orchestrated the release of supervillain Mr. Freeze from Arkham Asylum. I felt bad for the guy. Even supervillains deserve second chances. And 25th chances. Plus, he sweetened the deal by throwing in a butt-load of cash and cryogenically freezing my mother-in-law. Not so that we can find a cure for the illness that threatens to cut her life short and bring her back in a hundred years. Hell no. There’s no cure for being that much of a raging bitch.

 

But I’m getting off-topic.

 

The point is, the citizens of Gotham City are whiny cry babies who can’t pull themselves up by their own damn bootstraps and figure out a way to protect themselves from a crazed psychopath who will freeze anything and anyone who stands in his path.

 

So you can’t flush your toilet, turn on the lights, use the stove, turn on the heat, take a hot shower, keep your fingers from becoming frostbitten at the tips, prevent your family from going hungry, etc. Boo-hoo! The officials you elected to the government of Gotham City owe you absolutely nothing.

 

Only the strong who have a $50,000 backup generator in their basement will survive. The weak (poor), who do not have a $50,000 backup generator that has been specially programmed to be resistant to the cryogenics of Mr. Freeze will ultimately perish.

 

Don’t blame me, blame your elected officials. No, not me. Your other elected officials.

 

Sure, maybe I didn’t time Mr. Freeze’s grand jailbreak all that well, what with Batman being imprisoned by Lex Luthor in Metropolis this weekend. But we can’t always rely on Batman to swoop in and fix all our problems, now can we? I mean, I can. But the common people of Gotham City need to learn how to fend for themselves without the assistance of a masked vigilante to solve all your problems the government created in order to save a buck.

 

We sadly live in the product of a screwed up, socialist society, where perfectly capable people cannot figure out how to pick themselves up and dust themselves off when the entire city is literally frozen solid and stepping outside would raise your chance of death by hypothermia from 95 percent to 100 percent.

 

Folks, God has given you the tools you need to survive this on your own, without any government assistance. God has given you your own two hands and feet, and most importantly free will.

 

This does not apply to children and the elderly. They are royally fucked.

 

Your local government is doing the best we can with the little resources we have to help you, but you have to meet us halfway. For example, we set up a nifty emergency preparedness guide that links directly to an error message. Because the only emergency preparedness guide you need has been within you all along. Also duct tape, we highly encourage you to procure large quantities of duct tape.

 

That’s about all from me. I’m about to jet out to Cancun with the rest of the Gotham City government. But seriously, I hope Mr. Freeze doesn’t turn all of you into human icicles. But if he does, it probably means you had it coming.

 

They say you get what you vote for, and unbeknownst to the citizens of Gotham, they voted for the biggest scumbag around. Cheers!