Best of 2022

Eloise is STILL at The Plaza 

~ Me ~

I am Eloise.

I am twenty-nine.

I am an adult (ish).

I STILL live at The Plaza.

I know it’s not as cool to live in Midtown anymore.

But my mom refuses to buy me a loft in DUMBO.

Which is RAWTHER frustrating!

So here I am living amongst tourists, tourists, tourists!

~ The Plaza ~

I spend an awful lot of time at The Plaza.

I’ve always been sort of a homebody that way.

Also, I don’t have a job.

I tell my mom finding my purpose in life is a full-time occupation.

Sometimes she hangs up the phone when I say that.

I enjoy being my own boss. Lots of people are doing that nowadays. I tell my mom this too. Sometimes that makes her sigh.

I also am quite good at being other people’s boss. Like all the employees at The Plaza.

My favorite person to boss around is Mr. Pippin.

Mr. Pippin is the hotel manager, and he is very old and very terrible.

Like seriously, this guy wouldn’t know a Chanel purse if it hit him in the face. Which did happen one time. But I honestly didn’t mean to.

Then there’s Jordan, the bartender. Jordan is hot, hot, hot! And he makes me French 75s. I RAWTHER like Jordan.

And then there’s Greene. I have never seen someone with so much acne. Sometimes in my head I call him gangrene. Greene opens the front door and carries people’s bags.

~ My Apartment ~

Greene also sometimes helps me when I get locked out of my apartment.

Sometimes I get a little sick of living at The Plaza, but I will NEVER not ADORE my apartment.

I live in the penthouse – of COURSE!

My penthouse has so many things I love:

My closet!

My dog DIOR! Dior is an english cream, miniature, long-haired dachshund. He is also perfect.

My claw-foot bathtub!

My pill-bottles!

My phone! Because my phone means ROOM SERVICE!

And room service means caviar! And champagne! And steak frites! Ooooo I just love room service!

~ My Nights ~

But one of the things I like the most is GOING OUT !!

Sometimes I go out in West Village!

Or East Village!

Or Brooklyn!

Or even Meatpacking!

I mean it’s New York City for heaven’s sake! The possibilities are endless!

A lot of nights – though – I just stay at The Plaza!

I’ll just put on a cute outfit (something with tulle – of course! ) and just sashay right on down to the hotel bar.

Jordan is usually there.

He’ll make me a drink.

A French 75 usually – my favorite!

Then we’ll just talk and talk and talk! We’re such good friends.

Sometimes other people will be at the bar, and Jordan will just HAVE to talk to them. But I can tell he hates it!

Then, at the end of the night, sometimes Jordan will escort me back to my room.

Then, I’ll just give him a little kiss.

Then, he’ll come into my apartment and make more French 75s.

Then, we’ll have a bunch of sex.

Then, he leaves.

Jordan is almost as good in bed as he is at making French 75s! Can you say, delicious!

Sometimes I feel a tiny bit guilty because technically I do have a boyfriend.

But most nights, I just fall right asleep from so many French 75s!

AH – it’s so nice to have friends right here – at the Plaza!

~ My Friends ~

Sometimes my other friends who don’t live here will come to visit me at The Plaza!

Last week my best friend from Sarah Lawrence, Margaux, came to visit with her husband, Tim.

She drags that guy freaking everywhere now! It really does drive me nuts, nuts, nuts!

Here are things I like: Martinis with Margaux.

Here are things I hate: Tim.

Anyways, martinis were going swimmingly.

Jordan made us drinks.

Then Margaux and I started talking about our outfits!

I had actually designed mine, and it was tres fabulous! Margaux was just saying so, when Tim said, “Do you think you’re going to live here the rest of your life?”

I mean, really! Can you actually believe it? What the fuck, Tim? This guy is SUCH a bother!

I don’t know HOW my friends can stand to be around these people they call HUSBANDS all day long!

That’s part of the reason why my absolute best friend of all is still Nanny.

Most unfortunately, Nanny can’t make it to The Plaza too very often because her hip is Fucked! Fucked! Fucked!

But when she does visit we always have the most marvelous time!

Nanny just gets me! Sometimes I wish she still lived with me.

I especially wish this when I have my night terrors.

~ My Boyfriend ~

Not nightmares. Night terrors. Doctor Shawna says there’s a difference. To me, the difference seems to be the amount of Ambien I’ve taken.

This time, I had a night terror about my upcoming college reunion.

So I called my boyfriend, Trip, and told him I needed him to come over.

He actually picked up this time, which I was absolutely SO grateful for.

He said, “I’ll be over soonish babe.” He is SO romantic!

He had to come all the way from Williamsburg where his parents had bought him an artist’s loft.

Then I said, “I love you!”

Trip is so sweet. Mon amour.

Five hours later, Trip arrived at The Plaza.

Trip was absolutely so excited to see me.

“ELOISE,” he said – his voice very loud and his pupils very dilated.

Christopher the doorman smiled at our storybook romance as I took Trip up to my room.

Trip couldn’t really have sex because he was just so worried about me, so he just held me in his arms, and I fell asleep to his calming snores.

When I woke up the next morning, Trip was already gone.

But he had left a cigarette and a Xanax on the bedside table for me with a love note saying, “See you later!”

My heart melted.

He knows me so well.

Mon amour.

~ My Mom ~

Speaking of Xanax, my mom showed up this morning, so Trip’s present was just fabulously perfect!

At least her new husband wasn’t with her.

Mark is the absolute fucking worst.

She said she came alone, because she wanted to talk.

I couldn’t technically keep her out of the apartment since it’s her name on the lease.

So – most, most unfortunately – I had to let her in.

She’d only been in my apartment about three seconds before she started talking about her favorite subject: “My Future.”

This topic is RAWTHER annoying to me.

It’s MY future, after all – not my mother’s!

She started asking me all the usual bothersome questions she is tres obsessed with:

What’s your plan?

And how can I help?

And is everything all right?

I tell her MOM I’m figuring it out!

After all, I’m only 29, for Lord’s sake!

I’ve got an extraooooordinary amount of time.

Tomorrow, I’ll get my shit together.

Oooooo sometimes I am just absolutely so sick of living at the Plaza!