https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/hallmark-horror-feat.png 330 432 Caroline Beuley https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Caroline Beuley2022-06-07 18:30:242022-06-07 18:30:24Horror or Hallmark?
Horror or Hallmark?
Read each of the story elements below, and identify whether it’s from a horror movie or a hallmark movie! Should be easy – right?
- A man coming out of nowhere when you least expect it
- A remote cottage or cabin
- Character gets trapped somewhere they don’t want to be due to weather – a freak snow storm, for example
- A small town full of secrets
- Stumbling into a tall, dark stranger
- Scenes that make you want to vomit
- Men in disguise – masks, beards, fuzzy red suits etc.
- A walk in the woods
- Actors and actresses you vaguely recognize, but can’t quite place
- Main character explores somewhere she’s been explicitly told not to go
- A crumbling old manor house
- “It’s been you all along.”
- Woman’s car breaks down on the side of the road
- Woman moves alone to new town
- Kids with creepy smiles
- A mysterious groundskeeper
- Man waiting outside main character’s house
- Cult-y town traditions
- Predictable endings
- Nobody remembers to lock their door
- Intense eye contact
- “I never expected it to be him”
- A man coming out of nowhere when you least expect it And he’s the one! (Who kills you!)
- A remote cottage or cabin A: Where you meet your fate!
- Character gets trapped somewhere they don’t want to be due to weather – a freak snow storm, for example A: Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, he’s going to get you now…and make you his bride!
- Stumbling into a tall, dark stranger A: And it’s til death do us part!
- Scenes that make you want to vomit A: Sickly sweet! (Like a body rotting in the sun!)
- Men in disguise – masks, beards, fuzzy red suits etc. A: Dressed to kill!
- A small town full of secrets A: Stay away from old house on the hill! And my ex-husband too you city slicker!
- A walk in the woods A: Take me hand, I’ll show you the way!
- Actors and actresses you vaguely recognize, but can’t quite place A: Ah! I know I’ve seen them before! But I just can’t place it! Let me Google it – anything’s better than paying attention to this movie!
- Main character explores somewhere she’s been explicitly told not to go A: Oooo let’s see what’s in this dark basement! Oh god who’s there?! AHHH!! Fuck I should’ve listened!!!
- A crumbling old manor house A: If these walls could talk they’d say RUN! (Into the open arms of your lover!)
- “It’s been you all along.” A: I should’ve known from the way you’ve been stalking me!
- Woman’s car breaks down on the side of the road A: Oh no! My batteries dead! (And now I am too!)
- Woman moves alone to new town A: Welcome to the cult *Cough* I mean village!
- Kids with creepy smiles A: Come and play with us!
- A mysterious groundskeeper A: Your bedroom door creaks open as he sneaks into your room at night
- Man waiting outside main character’s house A: Invite me inside- I won’t bite!
- “Surprise!” A: We’ve been waiting for you!
- Cult-y town traditions A: Baking contests, snow princess pageants, and mass suicides – come join us!
- Predictable endings A: Everyone saw it coming except the main character
- Sexism A: Women love to bake, and play with little kids… and get murdered!
- Nobody remembers to lock their door A: What do I have to fear? I’m just a single woman alone in my house!
- Intense eye contact A: Eyes that scream, he wants me!
- “I never expected it to be him” A: And now that he’s found me, my life will never be the same!
Caroline Beuley is a writer, high school English teacher, and student based in Washington, D.C. Caroline has had comedy writing published in Belladonna, with forthcoming fiction publications in Schlock! Webzine and Maudlin House. When she’s not teaching or writing, she enjoys reading, taking her dachshund, Dumbledore, on walks, and throwing bits of paper around for her cat, Eloise.