Elon Musk’s Personal Notes on Federal Employees’ “5 bullets” Emails
“On Saturday, employees throughout the federal government received an email from the Office of Personnel Management (OPM), demanding a reply with ‘approx. 5 bullets of what you accomplished last week.’ On X, Elon Musk posted that failure to respond “will be taken as a resignation.” — Wired Magazine.
From employee 436-712:
- Processed seventeen Form 32-A’s
- Helped a woman from Iowa and a man from Georgia with their small business loan paperwork
- Revised “Resources for Starting a Business” brochure
- Finished training for new software
- Approved loans to establish 29 new small business, creating over 250 jobs
Musk’s notes: Helped a woman. Fire.
From employee 276-383:
- Conducted brainstorming session for newly-mandated National Park Service (NPS) tour, “Making America’s National Parks Great Again!”
- Gave 20 NPS orientation talks
- 16 hours at visitor information desk
- Reduced forest fire risk level by clearing debris
- Saved the lives of a family of five trapped by an avalanche
Musk’s notes: More than a month in, and the NPS still has no bust of me Trump on Mt. Rushmore. Fire.
From employee 805-284:
- Made progress on cure for esophageal cancer
- Made progress on cure for esophageal cancer
- Made progress on cure for esophageal cancer
- Made progress on cure for esophageal cancer
- Made progress on cure for esophageal cancer
Musk’s notes: Did not cure cancer. Also, used the forbidden term “progress.” Fire.
From employee 244-667:
- Worked on IRS task force to reduce illegal corporate off-shoring of billions of dollars of profits, thus putting all businesses on a level playing field
- Served as witness in trial of a repeated tax dodger, thus enforcing the rule of law
- Attended advanced forensic auditing training seminar, thus making me an even more valuable employee
- Continued implementation of IRS computer systems efficiency plan that will make paying taxes easier for millions of Americans
- Recovered $11.7 million in a tax evasion case, thus paying for my salary this year more than 100 times over
Musk’s notes: Discriminates against rich people, who by definition are white. Fire.
From employee 582-411:
- Nice weather this time of year in the Caribbean, so I daydreamed about taking a “fact-finding” flight down to Gitmo
- Jotted a reminder to myself to check out the secretary down the hall—she’s a looker
- Made sure to beat it out the office early on Friday, before all those senior military officers far more qualified than me would get canned and maybe ask me why
- Wait, how many bullets? Not sure what else I did, was on a total bender all week.
Musk’s notes: That Pete Hegseth—what a card!
From employee 922-399
- Completed twelve JN-198’s to pay American farmers for wheat production
- Distributed info on preventing wheat blight
- Met with Wheat Producers of America
- Chaired Wheat Harvest Bottleneck Reduction task force meeting
- Liaised with Congressional aides from the six states with the highest levels of wheat production
Musk’s notes: Do any of those states have any woke Marxist Democrat Congressmen? If so, fire. If not… what the hell, just fire anyway.
From employee [number redacted]:
- Entered [location redacted] undercover
- Extracted US Agent [name redacted] before could be arrested by Secret Police
- Recruited [name redacted] to serve as double agent for US
- Identified [name redacted] as planning to hand over US nuclear secrets to [redacted]
- Made plans to intercept [name redacted] next week, before they can hand over US nuclear secrets
Musk’s notes: Used “they.” Announce immediate firing by posting screenshot of this on X.
From employee 183-497:
- Worked on things that take an advanced degree, years of training, and decades of experience to understand, you cretinous Dunning-Kruger effect poster-child
- Completed tasks that cost the government only $1 for every $10 in economic development, you feckless, plutocratic blowhard
- Followed the Constitution I swore to uphold, you jackbooted, self-appointed keyboard-jockey
- Reduced the possibility of catastrophes that would result in the deaths of many thousands of Americans, you callous, black-shirted sociopath
- Faithfully served the American people in exchange for their gratitude, your ignorant bad-faith abuse, and a paycheck less than half of what I would make in the private sector, you smug, self-serving fascist
Musk’s notes: Fire. Also, what a moron–my name isn’t either Dunning or Kruger.
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Andy Schocket is a historian, writer, and proud union member. He lives in the banana republic known as “Ohio.”
