Truly Terrible Ways to Make Friends as an Adult

Instigating a home invasion at their house to learn more about them.

Drinking from the same cup at a suicide cult’s final meeting.

Comparing / contrasting the deluxe features of similar butt plugs at a swinger’s event.

Sharing a taser while storming a government building.

Joining a book club that’s currently covering The Bible For Dummies.

Baking a batch of pot-brownies to have your kids sell at their lemonade stand.

While standing in line to get an autograph from the cast of Jersey Shore.

Attending a Donald Trump rally (unless you have a double-digit IQ, in which case you’ll probably make lots of friends at such an event).

Getting a job as the person who cleans the hot-tubs on the set of The Bachelorette.

Dressing up as Boba Fett to attend a Lord Of The Rings convention.

Attending the yearly Qanon Self-Fellating Instructional Jamboree and Pot-Luck.

While speaking with callers at your job at the Suicide Hotline.

By attempting to telepathically communicate with others in line at the DMV.

Joining a Civil War reenactment group in Kentucky.

Striking up a conversation at the local glory hole.

Intentionally giving someone COVID so that you’ll have something in common.

At complete body waxing demonstration given by Hulk Hogan.

Moving into the crack-house of someone that you barely even know.

Direct messaging the several people who are all bidding for the same chunk of Jeffrey Dahmer’s skull on the dark web.