Truly Terrible Ways to Make Friends as an Adult

Instigating a home invasion at their house to learn more about them.

Drinking from the same cup at a suicide cult’s final meeting.

Comparing / contrasting the deluxe features of similar butt plugs at a swinger’s event.

Sharing a taser while storming a government building.

Joining a book club that’s currently covering The Bible For Dummies.

Baking a batch of pot-brownies to have your kids sell at their lemonade stand.

While standing in line to get an autograph from the cast of Jersey Shore.

Attending a Donald Trump rally (unless you have a double-digit IQ, in which case you’ll probably make lots of friends at such an event).

Getting a job as the person who cleans the hot-tubs on the set of The Bachelorette.

Dressing up as Boba Fett to attend a Lord Of The Rings convention.

Attending the yearly Qanon Self-Fellating Instructional Jamboree and Pot-Luck.

While speaking with callers at your job at the Suicide Hotline.

By attempting to telepathically communicate with others in line at the DMV.

Joining a Civil War reenactment group in Kentucky.

Striking up a conversation at the local glory hole.

Intentionally giving someone COVID so that you’ll have something in common.

At complete body waxing demonstration given by Hulk Hogan.

Moving into the crack-house of someone that you barely even know.

Direct messaging the several people who are all bidding for the same chunk of Jeffrey Dahmer’s skull on the dark web.


by Kit Lively

Kit Lively

Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence