Attending an athletic event is fun! Not only is there all the on-the-field (or court) action to enjoy, there’s all the stuff the venue does to keep people entertained during lulls, such as all of those ubiquitous “cams” that scan the audience and put what they find on the giant screen.
Kiss Cam. Couples it captures in its lens must kiss, and then the people must clap. It’s fun!
Kiss Cam Cam. Another camera captures the guy operating the Kiss Cam, and he and his Kiss Cam camera have to kiss. It’s fun!
KISS Cam. It finds any past or present KISS guitarists in the crowd, such as Ace Frehley, Bruce Kulick, or Vinnie Vincent.
Criss Cam. A variant on the KISS cam reserved specifically for original, “classic era” KISS drummer Peter Criss.
Chris Cam. If one of Hollywood’s numerous famous Chrises is in the house, the Chris Cam will know and display their pretty face for all to see, be it Pratt, Pine, Evans, Both, Rock, Colfer, or Hemsworth.
Regular Chris Cam. If your name is Chris and you are a regular guy, the camera will seek you out, too, Chris.
Fish Cam. If you’re trying to score yourself a free fish what lives in the many bountiful moats that line the stands of most American sports arenas, look to the Fish cam for fishing tips.
Phish Cam. A reliable source for crunchy grooves.
Cameron Cam. It’s a little known fact that actor, playwright, and avant garde theatrical artist John Cameron Mitchell tours sports arenas and sits in an office where he speaks directly to a camera about his work (Shortbus, Hedwig and the Angry Inch) while chain-smoking.
Candace Cameron Cam. The Fuller House star is married to a hockey player and presumably attends a hockey game from time to time.
Crisps Cam. If a British person is eating crisps, this camera will find it. (Known as the “Chips Cam” in the U.S.)
Chips Cam. If a British person is eating fried potatoes, this camera will find it. (Known as the “Fries Cam” in the U.S.)
Andromeda Strain Cam. If any tattered paperback copies of Michael Crichton’s 1969 bestseller have been left behind in the stands, you better believe that the Andromeda Strain Cam is going to spot them.
Andromeda Strain Cam. That is not to be confused with the Andromeda Strain Cam, which identities any actual Andromeda Strains in the building.
Cram Cam. Clips of people trying to shove their feet into shoes that don’t fit. (Yes, this is a “sex thing.”)
Ma’am Cam. This cam is for true ma’ams only!
Webster’s Ma’am Cam. Remember how Webster on Webster called his adopted mother Ma’am? This cam is for that Ma’am. (Her name is Susan Clark, and she was married in real life to her Webster TV husband, the late Alex Karras. Isn’t that interesting?)
Dwayne Wade Cam. A constant stream of footage of NBA star Dwayne Wade, piped in from wherever he’s playing that night.
Dwayne Wayne Cam. Just the choicest clips of Kadeem Hardison’s character from A Different World.
Can Cam. Still image of a can of beans, or, if beans are unavailable, soup.
Caan Cam. Mysterious footage from the future consisting only of James Caan’s eventual funeral.
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Brian Boone is a contributor to Funny or Die, Someecards, Splitsider, The Chive, and Looper, and his work has appeared on McSweeney’s, StarWipe, and many other fine humor and pop culture destinations. He’s the author of several delightful books, wrote a musical about pirates, and came in third on Jeopardy! once. He will clog your Twitter timeline with dad jokes.