Failed Star Wars Merchandising Tie-Ins

The release of a new Star Wars movie means the release of a wave of merchandising tie-ins. But, for every exciting light-up Coca-Cola bottle or R2D2 Mini Cocotte, there are products that just didn’t take off, were canceled, or were just bad ideas, to begin with.

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KFC’s Tatooine Black

“Just like your Aunt Beru used to make!”

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Androgel Low-T(ico) Count Special Rose Colored Edition

Engineered for internet trolls who attack female actors on social media.

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Solo Official Name Changing Identity Kit*

“Enter facts about yourself to get your own ironic surname!”
*Includes official government forms for 49 state**.
**No forms needed in Florida.

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Huggies Anakin Skywalker Transition Diapers

For the toddler that doesn’t want to be viewed as a crying baby, but still has occasional bouts with the Dark Side.

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Mandalorian Plush “The Client” Doll

A plush Werner Herzog that is sure to be the Disney+ show’s breakout cuddly hit!

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Weber Imperial Probe Droid Grill

(Recalled after several explosions even when not hit that hard.)

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23 and Mi-dichlorians

Poke yourself and send in a blood sample to find out if you have a father or were a virgin birth!

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Finn and Poe Hallmark Christmas Movie

(Cancelled by One Million Moms)

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Mustafar Edition Lava Rock from Home Depot

Decorate your garden and feed the wildlife with our traditional lava rock tossed with crispy chicken skin.

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Hasbro Black Series Constable Zuvio Action Figure! (#09)

“Recreate the deleted scene you won’t see until the home video release with this barely glimpsed background character!”

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Nike Rogue Air Force Ones

Be like Jyn Erso and take a knee to the Imperial Flag! #JustRebel

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Home Memorial Carbon Freezing Unit 

“The best way to remember and display your household pets when they pass.”*

*Needs 220 Volt plug.

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Colin Trevorrow