James strolls into the offices of MI6, where he is quickly greeted by M.
M– Bond, wonderful to see you safe and sound! How did you get away from those double jointed female assassins who were secretly underage and ready to post about the encounter on Instragram?
Bond– Their tattoos were a dead giveaway, M. Seventeen year old girls with Weezer tattoos? Clearly more clones from Epstein Island. I bought them both a ginger ale and put them in a cab.
M– Excellent, James! Now allow me to show you our latest arsenal of super-spy gadgets!
Bond– Hmm? Who is this, exactly?
M– Ah, yes…. allow me to introduce you to Q’s replacement, QAnon!
Bond– What? Where is Q?
M– That’s the crazy part! According to QAnon, Q was secretly using the dark-web in order to purchase Ron Howard’s urine for use in alternate-dimension spanning Satanic rituals. So obviously, we had to let him go.
Bond– Wha’?? Why, that’s absurd!!
M– Bond, please! Watch your tongue! QAnon knows quite a bit about everyone and everything, and is notoriously loose-lipped about spilling the beans!
QAnon– A genuine pleasure to meet you, Mr. Bond! May I show you a few exciting new items?
Bond– Oh, I suppose….
QAnon– Here, place this on your head…
Bond– This? What is this? I’d feel ridiculous. M!
QAnon– Now, now, Mr. Bond…. this item is quite ingenious! When you place it upon your head, you’re instantly able to read the mind of anyone in your surrounding area! Just imagine being able to see into the deepest, darkest corners of your enemy’s psyche! And then to post about it online, where everyone can see!
Bond– Are you kidding? These are psychopathic geniuses that we’re talking about here! Homicidal despots! They don’t care about what anyone says about them online, for Christ sakes!!
QAnon– Are you certain about that? What if they’re secretly using gallons of stem cells in order to create a new type of deodorant for their pet iguannas?
Bond– I’m sure that they are!! These people are fucking lunatics!! And they don’t care who knows it!!
QAnon– Really, now? What if it were to be reported that, say, they were funding a large chunk of Donald Trump’s upcoming 2024 presidential bid?
Bond– You don’t understand, these are morally bankrupt tyrants who…. hmmm… now, okay…. that might actually get under their skin a bit….
QAnon– See? It’s that easy!
Bond– I have to say, though…. this mind-reading cap doesn’t seem to be working. I can’t hear anyone else’s crazy thoughts at all.
QAnon– That’s the beautiful thing about the cap, Mr. Bond! In order for it to work, you need only to hear your own crazy thoughts!!
Bond– Dammit that’s clever!!
Coming Soon: The Spy Who Cancelled Me
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Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence