Ford Memo to All Dealers Regarding 2011-2016 Fiesta and Focus Models About Chimpanzees in Trunks

TO: All U.S. Ford Dealers

 

SUBJECT: Customer Satisfaction Program 18P16

 

Certain 2011-2016 Model Year Fiesta & Focus Vehicles

 

Concerns About Sexually Mature Primates

 

REASON FOR PROVIDING THIS SERVICE

 

Ford is aware that some of the 2011-2016 Focus and Fiesta owners have concerns about the violent, horny chimpanzees that our engineers in Detroit have deliberately placed in the trunk of these automobiles. These vehicles are safe. However, for our customers’ peace of mind, Ford is offering this no-charge service that reduces the potential risk of these hungry primates from entering the vehicle and aggressively satiating their carnal appetites on our customers while on the road.

 

Customers can take their vehicles into any Ford dealership as long as their 7-year, 100,000-mile warranty is still in effect and they meet the following criteria:

 

– The animals haven’t gotten “smarter”

 

– The chimps were not replaced with aftermarket chimps

 

– The customer must crawl into the store and beg

 

– They must be crying

 

– They must be injured

 

– Proof of injuries must be documented and substantiated by our dedicated team of witch doctors

 

– They must denounce Jesus Christ as their lord and savior

 

– They must refer to all Ford service representatives as “Daddy”

 

– They must successfully jump through all the hoops you have provided to them

 

– They must successfully jump through additional hoops that will be provided by us

 

– They must choose one of their children as a blood sacrifice to The Great Henry Ford

 

*If they have no children, one will be provided for an additional fee

 

SERVICE ACTION

 

At the request of the customer, dealers are to remove the chimps from their vehicles.

 

NOTE: Before you remove the chimpanzees, remember to follow our ten-step guide regarding fixing the problems we’re responsible for:

 

1. Deny there is a problem

 

2. Keep asking them when the last time they’ve had an oil change and continuously make snarky comments about how dirty their oil is and make them second guess themselves

 

3. Try to convince the customer that there are no chimps… It’s all in their head!

 

4. Ask the customer if they’ve ever once considered that maybe the CHIMPS are upset that YOU’RE in THEIR vehicle

 

5. Charge them our standard $109.00 diagnostic fee

 

6. Put the car up on that big car lifter upper thingy

 

7. Get up on a ladder and go underneath the vehicle and make a bunch of clangy sounds with wrenches and grunt like a manly man

 

8. Wipe dirt off your hands with a big blue towel

 

9. Piss on the customer

 

10. Reassure them that it’s just raining.

 

NOTE: Customers are only eligible for this free program until 8:15 am today. We know that most of our service centers don’t open til 8:00 am, but tough cookies baby.

 

NOTE: We are also WELL aware of the awful issues involving our DPS6 transmissions found in these cars which have been known to stall out on the highway and unexpectedly jet into busy intersections and were the subject of a well written investigative report. These issuers are not eligible under this program. Just the chimps.

 

Questions & Assistance

 

For questions and assistance dealers are welcome to call our corporate offices and we will be more than happy to help you figure out more inventive ways to hurt our customers.

 

If our customers require more assistance please have them call 1-800-FuckYou and we will be more than happy to help them further.

 

Remember we are Ford Motors 100% problems 0% accountability.

 

Long live the American Automotive Industry!