Best Of 2021

If Everyone Did Their Jobs Like the IRS

Customer: How much does this shirt cost?

Salesperson: It’s $50 if you’re a renter, but if you own your home we’ll take 20% off, as part of our “blouse the housed” promotion. There’s an extra 20% off for each additional home you own, too!

Mob Enforcer: Where’s the money?!

Guy: Take it easy, I have it right here. How much do I owe?
Enforcer: You pick, scumbag.
Guy: Don’t you know what I owe?
Enforcer: I know exactly how much you owe.
Guy: Okay, here’s $1000?
Enforcer: [smashing his legs] I said all of it, you deadbeat!

Principal: Clearly there has been widespread cheating on the exam. Students whose families have a lawyer are dismissed. All others must stay behind and submit to an invasive search of your lunch box and person.

Waitress: Would you like to hear our specials? It’s Tuesday, so corporations eat free! For people, we have half price wings.

Pilot: Alpha-Alpha-3–2–9-Foxtrot, approaching Denver. Denver Approach, do we have runway clearance?

Air Traffic Controller: Copy your request, AA 329F. Denver Approach will advise in fourteen months.
Pilot: Come again, Denver Approach, are we clear to land?
Air Traffic Controller: Not ascertainable, AA 329F. Please proceed to land and any crashes will be reimbursed in fourteen months.

Coach: Fight hard, play a clean game, and leave everything out on the field. Give ’em everything you’ve got. Except the rich players: you can just cheat.

Patient: What will the surgery cost?

Doctor: Well, that depends. Do you make money primarily through wages, or through capital gains from property ownership?
Patient: Um, through capital gains?
Doctor: Splendid! In that case, you can pay by “passing through.” Each year just keep passing the bill through. As long as you keep passing through until you die, you can avoid paying it altogether.
Patient: I’m not sure that makes sense.
Doctor: Just pass it through!

Students: Are you going to grade this test?

Teacher: Heavens no! But I might in like twelve years. If I find out then that you got any answers wrong, you’re going to jail.

Dentist: [looking in patient’s mouth] You’ll need several fillings. To find out how many, complete worksheet 1288b in section 43 on page 427 of the instruction manual.

Client: Why does your blueprint call every room a “home office”?

Architect: Could you run your business if you didn’t sleep? What if you didn’t eat? What if you were constantly being rained on because you had no roof over your head? Every square inch of your new home is strictly for business purposes.
Client: Even the sex dungeon?
Architect: Yes, especially Home Office 9.

Customer: How many are in a baker’s dozen?

Baker: Well that’s different for everybody.

Lawyer: Your Honor, I request leniency on behalf of my client, a model citizen who volunteers ten hours a week at a charity.

Judge: Denied. The court shows mercy to those who donate mega-bucks to charity, but donated time is worthless.

Expecting Mother: What is my due date?

OB/GYN: May 17.
Expecting Mother: But that’s . . . still my first trimester.
OB/GYN: No exceptions.