Pemberley (Pride & Prejudice)
Half of Derbyshire, England
This grand Georgian estate boasts sprawling grounds, a tranquil lake and a 19th-century fountain. Inside, you will find original Chippendale furniture, elegant damask furnishings and rooms that are somehow “handsome”. With natural beauty and a rich history, Pemberley will have your crush ready to marry you! New owner is responsible for evicting the property’s resident squatter (a Mr. Wickham).
The Overlook Hotel (The Shining)
Rocky Mountains, Colorado
Lonely Hotel Seeks Companion
Finally, a property you can buy from all the money you saved from giving up your daily latte! This grand but secluded establishment in the heart of the Rocky Mountains is available at a discounted price for a limited time. The seller is extremely motivated. 110 spacious rooms with stunning views are included in the sale but buyers are cautioned against entering Room 217 no matter how many times it calls to you. With plenty of options for entertaining, this sentient hotel includes a grand ballroom, a ghostly bartender, a cozy library and rivers of gushing blood. The hotel seeks an entrepreneurial owner looking for a digital detox in a permanent vacation home. Once you come in, you’ll never want to (or be able to) leave.
Gatsby’s house (The Great Gatsby)
West Egg, Long Island
Embrace nouveau riche maximalism with this opulent 1920s mansion that is the talk of the town. Built in the style of the Hôtel de Ville in Normandy and conveniently located far from the eyes of Dr. TJ Eckleburg, this ivy-covered estate comes with far too many rooms and over forty acres of lawn. Blackout curtains to keep out intrusive green light from the boring old mansion across the bay will be provided. Buyers are advised to never bring firearms near the outdoor marble pool.
Thornfield Hall (Jane Eyre)
North Yorkshire, England
Looking for a sprawling Gothic manor that smells like old books and comes with unique features such as thorn trees and a fully gray façade? This three-story house combines the tranquility of country living with the gloominess of your teenage goth phase. Fully refurbished and constructed in fire-proof material, this house no longer includes a madwoman in the attic.
Bag End (Lord of the Rings)
Hobbiton, The Shire, Middle-earth
22 bags of gold coins
This underground dwelling is perfect for short kings looking to embrace goblin mode. With eco-friendly construction, this luxury hobbit-hole comes with a cool gold ring that grants the wearer powers of invisibility! Virtuous buyers who wear the One Ring sparingly will enjoy its anti-aging properties without having to resort to Botox, Retinol or blood infusions from their teenage children. Buyers who find themselves uttering the phrase “my precious” are advised to put this beautiful hole back on the market to avoid tedious journeys to the volcanic realm of the evil Sauron or run-ins with slimy Gollum—and make a killing, in real estate!
Tonight, you’ll dream of Manderley again! This Elizabethan seaside mansion is nestled in the woods for your privacy—and the comfort of the intimidating spirit that inhabits it. The stone house features mullioned windows and a terrace overlooking a beautiful rose garden, which offers a tranquil escape from the deceased mistress of the house. The private shingle beach is the perfect place to while away your summer days as you descend into an anxiety spiral. Look out at the undisturbed lakes as you get increasingly disturbed fixating on how you’ll never be as hot or perfect as Rebecca who somehow got cooler as her body got colder. Alternative hiding places include the woods which feature awe-inspiring beech and oak trees. Buyer must decorate the house in the impeccable style of its former mistress or hordes of her minions will descend upon you.
The Wardrobe (The Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe)
This antique mahogany wardrobe features a whole hidden world with year-long seasons and a benevolent talking lion who may or may not be Jesus. The original paneled doors come with exquisite inlaid satinwood patterns and four long drawers with brass handles. The wardrobe opens to reveal a spacious hanging space perfect for winter coats and a secret world called Narnia. Entrance into Narnia is subject to invitation. The doorway will find you if it chooses. Final sale.
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Sauleha Kamal is a writer and researcher. Her work has appeared in The New Yorker‘s Daily Shouts, The Atlantic, The Belladonna, Little Old Lady Comedy, Catapult, some academic journals, a few anthologies and probably under her sleeping cat.