Fresh Alternatives To Dying
The next time someone texts you something so funny you think you may die, don’t just lazily drop “Dying” into the thread. It’s your responsibility to let the sender know how close to death you truly are. Here’s a helpful range of evergreen replies that can pair with just about any hilarious text you receive.
HAHA omg laughing so hard I am dying
Hahahahahahahahahahah ur KILLING me!
LMFAO on my way to death!
LOL omg moving west to take a job working in the mines
Haha building up a thick layer of mine dust on my fragile lungs
Omg narrowly avoiding getting buried alive after a mine explosion!
Falling two stories down a mineshaft!!
Lmfao quitting my mining job after a couple freak episodes
Hahahahahaha listening to the boys say, “Good luck surviving winter and providing for your family up in that rickety mountain shack, Zeb.” as I strut away from the mines and take control of my life!
BURIED BY AN AVALANCHE IN MY OWN HOME HA!!!!
Omg the larder’s low on food and critters have eaten the last of the bulgur wheat hahaha
LMFAO losing grip on reality due to unparalleled hunger
Haha omg literally starving though
Hallucinating eating my dear wife Dolores hahaha
HA! Piecing together what happened to Dolores in the night!
Hahahaha telling the oldest child that I will be back as soon as I can and that I need him to be strong right now
Omg forging alone into blizzard conditions to get help in the bustling mining town at the base of the mountain!!!
OMG lying at the bottom of a deep and impressively hidden crevasse
Hahaha splinting my broken shin with pieces of pine bark and mountain rubble
Mustering the last of my energy to crawl out of this massive earth crack!
Hahaha sweating and exposed on this icy cliff face!
LOL helplessly watching townspeople 10,000 feet below with their markets and medical supplies, unaware of my plight
Hahahahahaha missing the stability that working in the mines brought to my family and life
LOLing into the cold, white nothing!
Dead
That was a very funny text.
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Mike Behrends is a writer and secular Christmas musician based in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Listen to The Ornaments, see his past work, and follow him on Twitter @banjoteeth. He needs this.
