Weekly Humorist’s Election Season Forecast Calendar
Tuesday, Sept 29- QAnon members attempt to hedge their bets in regards to a Trump victory by sacrificing a minotaur to the GOP.
Wednesday, Sept 30– Prior to his first debate with Trump, Joe Biden practices by starting arguments with Adderall crazed 8 year old kids.
Monday, October 12– Hoping for the best results possible in the upcoming election, Mike Pence begins to wear his lucky butt plug.
Thursday, October 15- Following the previous evening’s debate, Trump voters decide to finally being wearing masks, but due to embarrassment rather than pandemic concerns.
Tuesday, October 20– Unable to tolerate the accusing eyes that follow them around the room any longer, evangelicals move all of their Jesus artwork into the attic.
Thursday, October 22– During the middle of the debate, moderators place Trump in an extended time-out, forcing producers to hastily cobble together the first Debate Half-Time Show in the process’ history.
Thursday, October 22– Her lucky streak at an end, Melania finally catches COVID from the pool boy while Trump is at the debate (yes, we realize that the White House doesn’t have a pool, but Trump doesn’t know that).
Saturday, October 31– In a last desperate move to curry favor with morons, Trump announces to the country that, under his presidency, it’s now okay to wish one another a Happy Halloween.
Tuesday, November 3– For the first time in his life, Trump discovers prayer.