Fun Facts That Were Cut From the Olympics Opening Ceremony
The Olympic Games have exceeded the event’s designated budget every single year since 1960. This is largely due to lavish Olympic Village amenities, as well as the presence of Kazoo Kyle, the mysterious committee member who calls in sick to every meeting but insists on importing thousands of Olympics-branded kazoos at the very last minute.
Ralph Lauren’s designs for the American Olympic contingent come to him in a graphic nightmare about sailboats he has every fourth year.
Ryan Crouser, considered the greatest shot put athlete ever, comes into these games having set a world record 23.37m throw at the U.S. Olympics Trials. And uh, speaking of shot put… we’re all still a little nervous around the shot put athletes after reading about that scary lady in Matilda, right?
Since 1988, over two million people have been forced out of their homes to make way for Olympic Villages. The displaced individuals do, however, have the opportunity to compete in a spirited foot race for the chance to win a Bed, Bath & Beyond coupon.
In late June, NBCU announced they’ve sold over $1.2 billion in national advertising for these games. The most expensive slot? The one right before the dressage horsies dance for a gold medal 🙂
After this year’s ceremony, spectators under the age of 12 are invited to explore the Olympic Hedge Maze, a dark, dank, miles-long labyrinth where they’ll be held against their will in an attempt to limit the spread of the novel coronavirus. This is the only public health measure we could think of.
206 countries are participating in this year’s Olympics, but only one of them can claim Post Malone.
This year’s Indonesian Olympic Team consists of 28 athletes across eight sports; however, no one knows exactly how many islands this “largest island nation” actually contains. Officials attempted to count them all in 2017, but decided it was classier to leave more to the imagination.
We’re all still trying to figure out if Saint Vincent and the Grenadines is a country or a ska band. Or both.
Athletes in the ancient Olympic Games competed in the nude. In fact, the word “gymnasium” comes from the Greek root “gymnos,” meaning “nude.” The word “antibacterial” comes from the Greek root “anti,” meaning “please put a towel down before you sit on that bench, naked man.”
The official 2020 theme song is “Tokyo Olympic Ondo-Ondo 2020,” a remake of the original song from the 1964 Tokyo Olympics titled “Tokyo Gorinto Ondo.” Korn was originally commissioned to create the prestigious anthem, but were fired because they wouldn’t stop referring to the British Virgin Islands as “a bunch of virgins.”
Historians have posited that the first Olympic flame came from a temple the ancient Greeks built to honor the goddess Hera. However, new research shows that the Olympic Torch Relay is not an ancient tradition. It started in 1920 when a clumsy streaker accidentally ran into a candelabra.
In 2008, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) was rated the least transparent of thirty international organizations. Shamefully, this year they have once again denied Qatar’s proposal for a new race in which athletes from countries beginning with the letter “Q” get a five-minute head start.
The official motto of the Tokyo Olympics is, “United by Emotion.” The unofficial motto is, “83% of the country doesn’t want to live at ground zero for a public health crisis, but only the IOC has the right to cancel an Olympics once a host city has signed the contract so we’re doing this!”
Caitlin Kunkel is a writer, satirist, and famed pizza scientist. Her work has been featured in The New Yorker, The New York Times, McSweeney’s, and other places across the vast internetz. She’s a co-founder and editor of the comedy and satire site for women writers, The Belladonna, and the co-founder of the Satire and Humor Festival. Her first co-written book, New Erotica for Feminists: Satirical Fantasies of Love, Lust, and Equal Pay, is out now, and you can take her popular class “How to Write Topical Satire…Fast!” here.