Good News From The Florin District School Board: Classes Will Now Be Held Outdoors In The Fire Swamp

Here at the Florin District School Board we have been listening to the concerns of teachers, parents, and students. We know that you are nervous about the return to the classroom and the lack of space within our schools for everyone to remain socially distanced. That’s why we’ve decided to hold classes outside in the fresh air of the Fire Swamp (our rival school district, Guilder, already laid claim to the surrounding countryside).

 

We know you may have some concerns about this location and many people have already been lamenting, “We’ll never survive the fire swamp.” There was even a time, not that long ago, when no one had survived the Fire Swamp, but, thanks to Westley and Buttercup, that simply isn’t true anymore. If they can survive the three terrors of the Fire Swamp, so can you!

 

What are the three terrors of the Fire Swamp?

 

One: the fire spurts. Students and teachers are encouraged to, but not mandated to, wear flame-retardant clothing. Failing that, avoid loose or baggy clothing which could increase your exposure to open flames. We believe the flame spurts will be a good learning opportunity to not only to practice fire-safety awareness, but to also be more mindful and present. Warning: you will have to be very mindful and present to listen for the popping sounds which proceed the otherwise unpredictable spurts of flame. There is only enough funding for one fire extinguisher per school, so remember: stop, drop, and roll!

 

Two: the lightning sand. Instead of an even more deadly version of quicksand, we prefer to think of lightning sand as “the sandbox you shouldn’t play in.” Again, this is a great opportunity to practice being mindful and present. In the unlikely event that you should accidentally fall through the lightning sand, hope that someone in your bubble is nearby and can tether themselves off and dive in after you – unfortunately, rescue isn’t possible while maintaining a social distance of six feet.

 

Three: the R.O.U.S.es (rodents of unusual size). Although they are known to be quite vicious, deadly even, we’re hoping that in time these creatures will be more like class pets than predators. Students and staff are encouraged to carry a sword or at least a heavy branch for protection until we have properly domesticated our class pets.

 

All staff will be required to read Westley’s book Surviving the Fire Swamps: Not Where You’d Want To Build A Summer Home, But The Trees Are Actually Quite Lovely. We’d hoped to have Westley as an onsite consultant/superintendent, but, due to The Machine taking away fifty years of his life in the pit of despair, he now has the compromised immune system of a fragile octogenarian. As such, he cannot risk the potential contraction of COVID-19 from being around large groups of students.

 

We are, however, very delighted to welcome some new faculty members who will be able to share, and teach from, their own unique experiences. Please join us in welcoming:

 

Mr. Fezzik who will be teaching: More Sportsman-Like: the Art of Hand-To-Hand Combat, Poetry: Rhyme All the Time, and Cloaks and Their Many Uses.

 

Mr. Inigo Montoya who will be teaching: Ambidextrous Fencing, The Importance of Paternal Relationships, and Introduction to Introductions: How a Proper Self-Introduction Can Communicate Who You Are and Your Intentions.

 

Ms. Buttercup who will be teaching: Gymnastics Tumbling, Equestrianism, and Managerial Material: How To Give Orders So That Others Will Do As You Wish.

 

We all know Miracle Max is working tirelessly on a cure, so the Fire Swamp is only a temporary solution until we can once again safely gather inside the classroom.

 

Don’t forget to sign and date the acknowledge and consent waiver pertaining to the aforementioned terrors of the Fire Swamp. We look forward to seeing you soon!

 

Sincerely,

The Florin District School Board