Bold Predictions for the 2020/21 NFL Season
Arizona
The Arizona Cardinals will claim that the dry Arizona heat kills the virus…and football talent when they come in last in the NFC West.
Atlanta
The Falcons will hold out hope that the pandemic causes fans to forget all about the whole blowing a 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl thing. It wont.
Baltimore
Jim Harbaugh will fill in for a sick John Harbaugh and absolutely nobody will be able to tell the difference.
Buffalo
The entire Bills mafia will be allowed in the stadium during home games after the CDC reveals they’re achieved herd immunity to coronavirus and all viruses in recorded history.
Carolina
As a tribute to the late Chadwick Boseman, The Carolina Panthers will change their name to the Carolina Black Panthers. In response, Republicans call for a season-long boycott of the team.
Chicago
Stadium security for the “lawless democratic city of Chicago” Bears will be replaced by members of the National Guard.
Cincinnati
Joe Burrow, the franchise’s most exciting rookie in recent memory, will NOT contract COVID-19. He will contract food poisoning from Skyline Chili and miss time.
Cleveland
The Browns will win every single game of the regular season but will miss the playoffs due to them being cancelled.
Dallas
Thinking he’s on mute, Jerry Jones will refer to COVID-19 as “the chinavirus” on live broadcast.
Denver
Due to rising sea levels, The Broncos are forced to change their stadium’s name to .89 Mile High Stadium.
Detroit
Matthew Stafford will contract COVID-19 and will stage an improbable comeback recovery only to die in the final seconds of the 4th quarter.
Green Bay
The virtual version of the Lambeau Leap will be cancelled when Aaron Rogers dives into the Zoom computer during week 1.
Houston
To show solidarity with the people of Texas who are not wearing face masks, the Houston Texans decide to play without helmets and declare them unpatriotic.
Indianapolis
Former Colts QB Andrew Luck will reveal that he retired because he knew coronavirus was coming. And that he used his Stanford engineering degree to engineer it.
Jacksonville
Jacksonville, FL will somehow become the global epicenter of a different pandemic after the Jaguars prematurely allow fans into their in-stadium swimming pool.
Kansas City
The Kansas City Chiefs owner will recognize the need for social change and have his team adopt the name The Washington Football Team.
Los Angeles
To attract more fans, the Los Angeles teams will merge and rebrand as Coachella.
Las Vegas
The Raiders will hire a new Offensive Coordinator mid-season when theirs is mauled during the half-time tiger show.
Miami
The Replacements will be made an official NFL team after the entire Miami Dolphins roster tests positive for COVID-19. Starting at quarterback, Keanu Reeves.
Minnesota
Kirk Cousins will change his mind about saying “If I die, I die” when the Vikings decide to play without an offensive line.
New England
After the NFL issues a league wide mask mandate, Bill Belicheck will only wear one after cutting the sleeves off of it.
New Orleans
Drew Brees will make headlines again after saying he will never agree with anyone disrespecting our country’s pandemic.
New York
To ensure they have enough players to last the season, the New York teams will join forces. Their new name will be the New York Giant Jets Who Play in New Jersey For Some Reason.
Philadelphia
Knowing that they are scientifically unable to spread the virus, all the players from the Philadelphia Eagles will be replaced by actual eagles.
Pittsburgh
Ben Roethlisberger will emerge from the cave he’s been hibernating in since the end of last season and have no idea what’s happening in America.
San Francisco
The 49ers will exceed the salary cap after they adjust all players’ pay to a livable wage for the Bay Area.
Seattle
Pete Carrol will be forced to spend most of his post-game interviews answering questions about being a “COVID Truther”.
Tennessee
Following in the NBA’s footsteps, the Titans will offer their stadium to be used for a more noble cause, then reveal that cause to be increased production of Nashville Hot Chicken.
Tampa Bay
Tom Brady will publish a health and fitness book that includes a chapter about how lentils are the real cure for coronavirus
Washington
Dan Snyder will be mob killed by the Washington Football Team cheerleaders.
NFL
The 2020/21 NFL season will not happen.
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Justin is a Brooklyn-based advertising writer, occasional humor writer and even more occasional cartoonist. His writing and drawing has appeared in Weekly Humorist, Little Old Lady Comedy, Robot Butt and a bunch of ads you’ll likely never see.
