Here Are The Oscar Favorites. No, Not Those — Our Favorite People Named Oscar
Now that the other Oscars have gotten their boring nominee announcement out of the way, the world can focus on the contenders vying for true Oscar-worthiness! Impress everyone at your Favorite Oscar party with your knowledge of the nominees!
Oscar the Grouch
Beloved by millions despite living in a trash can. The “poor man’s Elmo,” according to Elmo.
Oscar Madison
The messy one in The Odd Couple. Convinced us being a slob was fun, really pissing off our significant others.
Oscar Isaac
Did a funky dance in Ex Machina. Lesser credits include graduating from Juilliard and appearing in some Star Wars movies.
Oscar Wilde
Novelist, playwright, poet. Self-proclaimed genius. Famous quote: “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” For some reason, we take this personally.
Oscar Robertson
Twelve-time NBA All-Star. Cool nickname: “The Big O,” which played well with the ladies. First player to average a “triple-double” for a full season (this refers to averaging at least ten points, rebounds, and assists per game. Or maybe it also has something to do with the ladies?).
Oscar de la Renta
World famous fashion designer, but did not win a single professional fight.
Oscar de la Hoya
World famous boxer, but did not design a single professional dress.
Oscar Mayer
Founder of the meat company whose sixty year old jingle you still probably know.
Oscar Hammerstein
Half of the famous playwriting duo Rodgers and Hammerstein (he was the Hammerstein half). Somehow tolerated two decades in this partnership despite Rodgers being a non-Oscar (Rodgers was a Richard. Hammerstein really must have wanted to bust his balls for that embarrassment, but Oscar’s middle names were Greeley and Clendenning, so he probably steered clear of name dragging).
PROJECTED WINNER… Oscar Mayer! This by virtue of being the only nominee to own a wiener-shaped car. (Before you fire off your angry rebuttals, Oscar Wilde merely leased one for six months in 1894).
Check your local listings for The Oscar Awards Which Are A Completely Different Event Than The Academy Awards. You’ll find it some weeknight at 2:30 a.m., when you can’t sleep, on the TV Guide Channel.
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Mike is a Northeast Ohio-based writer who strives to be as funny as Cleveland sports. His comedy has also appeared in End of the Bench Sports, Points in Case, and Slackjaw. He has twice won the Reedsy short story contest, once with a story about sentient hair.
