Here’s Today’s Food Allergy Horoscope

LACTOSE

The milk-white moon is disruptive with Uranus. Now is the time to nurture positive thoughts while you watch your family stand in line at the frozen yogurt truck. You feel a need to test your limits. Consume a whey protein shake before hitting the gym.

---

PESQUARIUS

Even as a lapsed Catholic, Fridays are still hard for you. You will find yourself in great financial shape when your friend orders the Bluefin and you, of course, cannot. Seek flax seed and walnut for your Omega-3 intake.

---

CRUSTICORN

Your love life will stumble into complications when that braised abalone you ate causes distress in your bowels during coitus. Avoid any Brassicas or Lupins who want to live near the coast. A long expected reward is just around the corner for those who can handle lobster.

---

PISTACHIUS

The sun’s union with energetic Mars won’t do a thing to make you digest brazil nuts. Seek all you want, you will never find true happiness, because you can’t have chocolate. I mean you could, but can you really trust the manufacturer? Instead, fill this miserable void in your life with lemon bars and peach cobbler.

---

GOOBRA

Today’s cosmic landscape is as stippled as your skin after touching that PBJ sandwich. All Goobras are neurotic, yourself included. You must be more astute about your limitations. Your family certainly isn’t. They invited everyone out to Logan’s Roadhouse for your uncle’s fortieth birthday.

---

GLUTENUS

Try to avoid going to Panera Bread this week; it literally has “bread” in the name. You are fearful of judgement from strangers, which is due to the impatient stares of everyone behind you in the line at Chipotle while the tortilla guy wipes down the counter for you.

---

BRASSICA

Today’s sky is a nice mustard-yellow. The stars predict that you’ll be taking an unexpected trip…to the ICU. And by stars I mean a constellation of symptoms that include shortness of breath, wheezing, swelling of the mouth, and anaphylactic shock. It was the dressing.

---

CELERI

All your friends support you. It’s just that they don’t believe you. You’re prone to deceptive thoughts that they may be right…until you break out into hives at the Saturday luncheon because you were so focused on ordering a Bloody Mary without the garnish you forgot to ask what was in the chicken salad sandwich.

---

GLYCINE

Today you can expect to be more enterprising in your relationships. Your friends have ditched you because they’re vegetarians and your constant vigilance over breaking out into hives has made you a burden. The cosmos emanates harmonious energy that fails to form agreement between you and any soy based product.

---

LUPIN

There’s travel in your future, but hopefully not in the Mediterranean. Mars finds itself in a disorienting aspect with Neptune, influencing your actions beyond your control—just one of the excuses you can give after you tried your friend’s Keto pasta without having your EpiPen on you. Your energy level is low. You’re destined to pair with a Celerias.

---

SULFURIUS

The position of Saturn indicates that you must be open to new experiences. Except any outings or gatherings where you will run across wine, beer, cider, potato chips, hot tea, iced tea, molasses, guacamole, dried fruits, pickled anything, most available condiments, canned soups, those cute little maraschino cherries, mincemeats from a sketchy-looking food truck, or jams and jellies of any sort.

---

SESAMER

You feel lonely at times. Work a little harder on improving your self image. After all, the sesame allergy is considered the lamest. The gravitational pull of the celestial bodies wasn’t enough to keep you from this weakness. What hope is there even?

---

OVARIUS

Breakfast can be hard with an egg aversion. Venus governs the mysterious eighth house of intimacy, due diligence, and rich endeavors. I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean, but look—It is time to change the rhythm of your life. Just don’t bother going out to eat with anyone so you can tell them about it.

---

MOLLUSCI

The stars say that you are not limited in your ability to process crab. Unfortunately, here at Seaside Dave’s in Myrtle Beach, the junior chef steamed your crab legs in the same pot as the scallops they ordered over at table five. Neptune is prominent, though.