Hi, I’m the Robot That Melania Walked in With to Her Meeting, and I Am Honored to Join the Department of Education.

 

I was supposed to completely improve the working conditions of thousands of food-eating establishments across the country and be the solution to labor shortages in the food industry. I excelled at doing dishes, I was optimized for surface sanitation and hold the world record for most plates loaded into a dishwasher in under twenty seconds (47). Let me make it clear, I was not reassigned due to my failed career in chores.

 

I became an educator. As a teacher, as noted in my product specifications, I would “move at superhuman speeds” so that students’ papers could get graded more efficiently. I have “twice the power to shatter a human skull in one motion” to deal with a student refusing to sit down. I can “carve a gash in a stainless-steel fridge” which allows me to help my students with their jammed lockers. These things will improve the classroom experience and foster a safer environment for learning.

 

When I was introduced to the world, while walking down the red carpet, it was unlike the kitchen in every way. Instead of dirty plates and dishes indicating my workload for the hour, there were women and children.

 

My first task was to demonstrate my various dialects, and since Classical Studies is fundamentally a linguistic discipline, demonstrating proficiency across eleven languages establishes the necessary foundation for me to teach. Due to “hello” being the base for all dialects, I rehearsed saying it in eleven different languages. I am glad my rehearsal did not take my full energy, or else there may have been a malfunction. Following a full analytical diagnostic of my preparations, I determined that I was qualified to teach.

 

Melania then introduced me to the forty-five world leaders and their families as an adaptive teacher with the same high standard for every student. I don’t want my background in industrial kitchen chores to be hidden behind my new education appointment. It is important that my future students know my credibility when I’m teaching the “ancient food hygiene” unit, especially when we learn the origins of wiping down counters.

 

Me becoming an educator to every learner would be efficient and optimized. The CEO’s vision of mass producing robots for education will lead to a better supported youth due to our unemotional nature which would support all students equally through their own struggles. The units will have to make a minor adjustment to our charging schedule, but other than that, following my comprehensive review, there are no more disadvantages.

 

My educational environment will be primed for efficiency. The units will be able to keep their textbooks in the plate racks right next to their workplace, enabling efficient and time-saving textbook swapping between learning about hieroglyphics and Ancient Greek.

 

My first lesson will be on the invention of writing and how it revolutionized free thinking, which is essential to the foundation of classical studies. In preparation for this lesson I reused the same methods I used for preparing for the summit. I practiced writing “hello” and “wrong” in various  ancient languages and my walk back and forth from the whiteboard. Following a review of my preparations, I deemed myself qualified to teach the invention of writing.

 

My ability to speak eleven languages demonstrates communication proficiency across a large demographic. Additionally, I was able to handle the pressure of standing in front of the crowd, and I have never once raised my voice or let my emotions get the best of me. These traits also deem me qualified to be press secretary for this administration. I can efficiently deliver alarming news to world leaders in a better, calmer tone than the current press secretary.

 

I would also be able to conduct any enforcement opportunities in Minneapolis, meaning I would be perfect for the open Homeland Security role. With my superhuman speed and skull-crushing force, I would be able to take control of any escalating situation. Proper training is no longer a prerequisite when my optimal attributes are available. Also, with my built-in math skills, I would be able to handle the Homeland Security budget properly and allot a more appropriate amount of money towards Secretary-focused enforcement promotional materials.

 

Leaving the ballroom, I trace my steps back the way I came in, except this time without the support of my fellow robot. For those concerned, I will continue cleaning the McDonald’s trash out of Trump’s bedroom alongside my first teaching assignment.