Highlights From The Capitol Insurrection Reunion Special Hosted By James Corden

James Corden: Welcome everybody! It’s hard to believe that we are a whole year out from the insurrection that everybody couldn’t stop talking about, but here we are! You may be wondering why I, of all people, am the one hosting this reunion when Jimmy Fallon could have made it equally accessible across the political aisle. The answer is: scheduling and salary! Don’t worry though, we’ve got great interviews with all of your favorites coming up. Thanks to our sponsor, Smartwater! Whether you think Antifa staged the Capitol riots or you know Trump supporters did, Smartwater thinks you’re smart.

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James Corden: Let’s bring out some insurrectionists, shall we!?

 

Three insurrectionists enter, hugging like they haven’t seen each other in forever.

 

Insurrectionist #1: You look amazing!

 

Insurrectionist #2: You too! Did you end up pleading guilty?

 

Insurrectionist #3: Nope, going to trial soon. Defending myself actually.

 

Insurrectionist #2: You’re a lawyer?

 

Insurrectionist #3: Absolutely not!

 

James Corden: Ok, ok, ok, let’s play a game! Remember that moment in the insurrection when you all threatened the lives of the Capitol police?

 

Insurrectionist #2: How could I forget?

 

James Corden: It was truly unforgettable! Let’s bring out the cops.

 

Three cops walk on stage and form a line. All the insurrectionists look shocked and say “No way!”

 

James Corden: I need each of you to guess which of these cops was the one you all threatened that day.

 

Insurrectionist #1: Wow, this is embarrassing. Hmmm…I’m not sure, but I’ll say the one in the middle.

 

Insurrectionist #2 and #3 nod in agreement. 

 

James Corden: Let’s reveal the answer. Will the real cop please step forward?

 

All three cops step forward. 

 

James Corden: It was all of them!

 

Corden and the Insurrectionists all smile and laugh.

 

Cop #1: I had to pepper-spray you!

 

Insurrectionist #2: You did!

 

James Corden: Brilliant! Now let’s celebrate this refreshing reunion with a thirst quenching Smartwater!

 

Corden quickly passes out Smartwaters to everyone on stage.

James Corden: Today’s reunion wouldn’t be complete without a special visit with everybody’s favorite star of the insurrection–the Q-Shaman. Let’s roll the clip.

 

Corden is shown in a golf-cart next to the Q-Shaman, driving in a circle in the yard of an Arizona prison.

 

James Corden: I know I should be professional, but I can’t help but fan-boy out on you right now. When you were in the hall of congress and you sang that beautiful song, how, how did you come up with that?

 

Q Shaman: I don’t know. If I’m being honest it’s just the only sound I could come up with at the time.

 

James Corden: Poetic.

 

A tape of indecipherable guttural chants plays to which the Q-Shaman and Corden sing along, making direct eye contact and smiling at each other. 

 

James Corden: No celebration of the capitol riots would be complete without celebrating all the fantastic lewks!

 

Justin Bieber is rolled across the stage with his foot up on a mockup of Nancy Pelosi’s desk.

 

Cindy Crawford carries a podium bearing the seal of the speaker of the house and smiles and waves as she crosses the stage.

 

Cara Delevinge struts across the stage in ill-fitting MAGA-branded clothes.

 

Insurrectionist #2 uses his phone to take a picture of each, amazed at what he sees. 

Insurrectionist #1: When I think about it now, I mean, sure–we didn’t overturn the election results, or hang Mike Pence for being not as cool as we all thought he was, but maybe it wasn’t really about that. Maybe it shouldn’t have been about the destination of wherever Nancy Pelosi was hiding that day, but rather about the journey through the shattered glass of the Capitol Building’s windows and forever staining our country’s peaceful transfer of power, ya know?

 

James Corden has tears streaming down his face. Everyone on stage shares a hug.

James Corden: We put together a little video to highlight some of our favorite moments and to acknowledge those who couldn’t get their court-ordered ankle bracelets off to be here in person tonight.

 

James Corden sings Jeff Buckley’s “Hallelujah” as a montage rolls, showing all 725 people who have been arrested for their participation in the insurrection. 

James Corden: And now, the final–and probably the most obvious–question: you’re probably not allowed to say, but is there any chance for another season?

 

Insurrectionist #3: Look, I’ve learned to “never say never” and also to never explicitly plan a coup over text messages or emails. But let me finish with this: as long as a democrat wins an election, there’s always a chance.

 

The crowd cheers. Corden holds up a Smartwater

 

James Corden: Another insurrection sounds like a smart idea to me! Stay tuned and goodnight everybody!

 

“Celebration” by Kool & The Gang begins to play and confetti made from tattered and trampled American flags from the capitol riot rain down on the stage.