Best of 2022

Hi, I’m Joe Pesci and I’ll Be Your Dental Hygienist Today

Hi, thanks for being on time for your appointment. My last patient, he wasn’t so punctual, and trust me, that won’t happen again.


Say, are any of those yutes out in the lobby yours? What’s that? I said “yutes.” Oh, excuse me: YOUTHS. And that one there is your son. Fantastic, he’s a great-looking kid.


Please have a seat here. Now just lean back and open wide, and I’ll take a look—


Looks like we’ve got a problem right away. You didn’t brush your teeth before you came in today, did ya? Being foul-mouthed is a bad fucking start, I don’t mind saying.


Seeing these gums, I gotta ask, how many times a week do you floss? Notice I didn’t ask how many times a day, because people who floss daily don’t jump and bleed as they get their teeth cleaned. So, I repeat myself, how many times? Go ahead, take your time answering while I grab a different scaler. Pick the right words, go have lunch, then get back to me.


Here, let me help by taking my hands out of your mouth.


So you’re saying you floss “when you can,” and you brush every day? You must think that’s enough for good dental hygiene, am I right? Well, I guess the laws of dentistry cease to exist in your fucking mouth. Is this magic toothpaste you’re using? Do you buy it from the same guy who sold Jack his beanstalk beans? Jesus Christ.


Okay, now take a breath and relax, because Dr. Cynthia, the owner of this practice, is coming to check in with us. So let’s make nice and hear what she has to say.


Why, hello, Doctor! Yes, this is our new patient. By all means, please take a look. Yes, those teeth are in pretty good shape, I agree. That’s very encouraging news, thank you, Doctor. Terrific, goodbye, see ya soon.


Okay, she’s gone. And everything that lady just said is bullshit. Your teeth are not “pretty good”! They’re about to fall out of your fucking head. Now I got a suggestion. This wall here is made of bricks, right? So think of your teeth as bricks for your mouth. If a brick’s shoddy or you hit it at the wrong angle, it crumbles. So picture yourself in a month, when you bite down on a Jolly Rancher and you hear your tooth crack. Not good, am I right? So take care of ’em.


Jolly Ranchers are trash fucking candy, by the way, best to avoid them. And pickles, don’t get me started. They soak in vinegar, and vinegar has acid that eats away at your enamel. Jolly Ranchers and pickles are why you have to keep your bricks protected with quality fucking mortar. And by that, I mean good dental hygiene.


Why are you smiling? You think I’m funny? You mean I’m funny like an orthodontist? I amuse you? How am I funny?


Ya motherfucker! I almost had you. I’m just breaking your balls. Jeez, look at you sweating into the chair. Look, I’ll even put the scaler down. See? You’re safe. We’re done here anyway. Your teeth aren’t the worst I’ve seen, but start flossing already. Oh, and get a Water Pik. Now get outta here.


Hang on. STOP.


See that toy chest there?


Grab a goodie bag from it for your yute. Ooh, a purple bag, that’s a good one. Okay, we’ll see ya next time. And remember: No fucking pickles.