Hollywood Memo: I.P. Daily
Hollywood is in turmoil. Studios vs. tech firms. Streaming services vs. cable companies. Strikes. Mergers. Shortages of sparkling water. The thing is, this is all leading to the ultimate goal, which is to finally combine all the media companies into one big company and just churn out content without the fear of competition or quality. Once one company owns everything, all it has to do is start running all the old intellectual properties, called IP, that it now owns through some AI-powered word processor and produce “new” scripts. No more original ideas, concepts or takes, just sequels, cross-overs, prequels and the occasional George Clooney movie.
We got hold of a Hollywood memo which was put together to pitch proposed features or series that the studios are hot to trot on:
Indiana Jones and the Maltese Falcon
Indy faces off against some wily collectors over a long-lost artifact that belongs in a museum!
Snow White and the Magnificent Seven
When an evil queen goes after the sweet princess, she hires a band of outlaws to go after the queen.
Harry Potter and the Infinity Stone
A young wizard has to protect a magical stone from getting in the hands of an evil wizard. Or alien.
Star Jaws
An intergalactic space shark threatens the Republic of Planets and a scrappy band of rebels are called in to destroy it.
Abbott & Costello Meet the Parents
A goofy guy and his buddy have to meet his fiancée’s family, where they then have to figure how who’s watching who.
Superman of La Mancha
A superhero has to face off against evil windmills.
A Justice League of Their Own
When all the superheroes disappear into an alternate universe, the super-heroines form their own group.
Singing in the Rain Man
Hollywood is thrown into turmoil when sound is invented and only one man can save them.
Looking for Mr. Goodburger
A pair of fast food employees are on the search to find the company’s CEO before the Board of Directors can shut the burger chain down for good.
X-Men & Little Women
They remake Little Women again, only now with mutants.
Journey to the Center of Middle-Earth
A group of scientists discover a path to that leads them to a land of dragons, elves and hobbits.
James Bond and the Giant Peach
A secret agent is called in when giant fruit begins appearing all over Great Britain.
Pirates of the Mr. Bean
Due to a bureaucratic mix-up, Mr. Bean is put in charge of a band of buccaneers.
Sherlock Holmes Alone
The consulting detective is left by himself in 221b Baker Street with two vengeful criminals.
Friday the 13th, 2001
Space robot goes mad and starts killing all the space ship’s crew.
When Dirty Harry Met Sally
A cop learns if he can be friends with a criminal.
Star Shrek
A troll finds himself transported to space where he discovers he’s just another weird being.
The Bourne Identity Thief
A con artist steals the identity of a superspy. Hijinks ensue.
Fast & Curious George
A monkey and his pals race around the country to stop the evil Man in the Yellow Hat.
The NeverEnding Toy Story
Well, basically, they’ll just keep making new Toy Story movies, which was going to happen anyway.
Pink Panther: Wakanda Forever
A clumsy police detective has to protect the sacred jewel of Wakanda from, I dunno, space aliens.
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I’m a writer and live in New York City. Downtown New York. Very downtown New York. Okay, I live in Staten Island. Armed with only my wits and a keyboard, I’ve written for Cracked Magazine, The Adventures of the Galaxy Rangers, Prairie Home Companion, Mad, TMI: Hollywood, and other stuff.
