Me: Oh. My. God. Did you see that episode?
Other Person: See it? I feel like I lived it. That episode shall dwell inside of me for eternity. Like an indestructible tapeworm.
Me: You’re lucky. That episode gutted me like a fish. Both emotionally and physically. I don’t think I took a breath that whole episode.
OP: The metaphorical tapeworm that dwells within me now is still gnawing away at the very crux of who I am. It’s like that episode released something latent within me and that latent being – or maybe it’s less a being and more like a manifestation – is in the process of hollowing me out.
Me: That episode was literally my Chernobyl.
OP: It was my Hiroshima. But also my Hindenburg and my Exxon Valdez. That scene – and I know I don’t have to tell you which one – discharged hundreds of tons of crude oil in my soul. Literally and figuratively. There is an oil slick in my soul. There are literally seals and water fowl covered in crude oil gasping for breath inside my soul right now.
Me: When I say that episode was my Chernobyl I mean that the episode awakened an unborn twin that I ingested in the womb and the unborn twin clawed its way through my innards and emerged in time to watch the last few minutes of the episode with me. Me and my newly emancipated unborn twin, we both wept. For hours.
OP: Hours? I’ve been weeping for days. I will likely keep weeping for the next few days.
Me: I had to stop weeping so I could focus on feeding my unborn twin, recently reanimated by the emotional energy generated by that episode.
OP: Your unborn twin is lucky. I still haven’t eaten. I can’t. I will likely never eat again. That episode scorched all of my senses. Food has no taste. Colors are now all gray.
Me: I still haven’t taken a breath. My lungs are atrophying right now as we speak.
OP: That episode made me allergic to oxygen.
Me: I get it. You don’t have to tell me. My whole respiratory system is now gangrenous. As is my pancreas, liver, and most of my spleen.
OP: Don’t even talk to me about the spleen. That pivotal scene in that episode – and you’ll know which scene it was when I tell you this – my inner core was so demolished that my spleen liquified and then I shat out my spleen.
Me: That’s common in the wake of such frenetic energy. Some people say that this episode was the finest sixty minutes of entertainment that has ever aired. I’d concur but that episode changed our concept of entertainment. To say nothing of how it put our concept of love in a Kitchen Aid blender and hit [finger quotes here] puree for two minutes.
OP: Oh there’s no question. They’ve always been adept at parlaying and synthesizing moral ambiguity but what the actors did with that episode will forever alter what we think of entertainment, what we think of consciousness, what we think of logic.
Me: I think a more succinct way to say that is [does finger quotes here] is symbiosis. During that scene – when the antagonist was talking to their [does more finger quotes here] nemesis – I think I felt the earth tilt on its axis at least an extra 5-10 degrees.
OP: That’s an understatement if I’ve ever heard one. I’ve neither seen nor heard anything so antagonistic uttered by an antagonist before.
Me: It was less an utterance and more an ejaculation. That antagonist literally ejaculated all over our national collective conscience. But they did it in a way – it was so abrupt and yet so leisurely paced, so cataclysmic and yet so subtle – that we couldn’t really know that we were getting ejaculated on until that climactic scene.
OP: I read that sentiment online. I’ve been invited to so many chat sessions about the episode. Some of the conjecture and speculation I’m hearing from people online is adorable.
Me: I can’t even think about what’s next. I am so in love with these characters that the thought of leaving them is corroding that part of my brain which governs everything.
OP: That’s a luxury I can’t afford. The characters are a part of me. My destiny is entwined with theirs.
Me: What did you say? I couldn’t hear your musings over the sound of my aorta exploding from that episode.
OP: I can’t hear you either. Dick Cheney just watched the episode, drove straight to my house, and shot me in the face.
Me: Are you there? The ghosts of Joseph Stalin and Vlad the Impaler just watched the episode, drove to MY house and are now cannibalizing me.
OP: Is it really cannibalizing if they’re ghosts though?
Me: I am dead. The episode killed me.
OP: Me too.
OP: Talk next week!
Gary M. Almeter is an attorney who lives in a quaint and cozy neighborhood in Baltimore, MD with his wife, three children and beagle. His short stories, essays and humor pieces have appeared in McSweeney’s, Writer’s Bone, the Good Men Project, 1966, and Splitsider. He is the recipient of the Maryland Writer’s Association’s 2015 Creative Nonfiction Award. His first book “The Emperor of Ice-Cream” will be published in March 2019.