CARTOON: List Fits

Watch a sunrise or a thousand. Today's cartoon by Jim Shoenbill.

Horror or Hallmark? 

Horror OR Hallmark: Character gets trapped somewhere they don’t want to be due to weather - a freak snow storm, for example A: Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, he’s going to get you now…and make you his bride! ( That was an easy one. No? Still confused? Jeez, ok try a few more...)

What's IN & OUT For 2022

OUT Zombie apocalypse / IN Regular old boring apocalypse, and more!

The Five Stages of Sleep After Eating a Burrito Mojado

Sleep Stage 3: Deep Self-Loathing. You have burrito sweats. You wonder whether you can hold out till morning before having to get up to use the bathroom. Your brain can recall minute details of long-forgotten events. Remember that time in the second grade when you scowled at Stacy Curtis who wanted nothing more than to sit next to you at lunchtime and be your friend? Of course you do. You can still see tears welling up in the corner of her eye and threatening to spill down her delicately freckled cheek. Why would she even want to be your friend, anyway? You’re fundamentally unlikeable.

Less Obvious Signs That The End Is Nigh...

Grasshoppers suddenly have eyebrows for some reason. And more!

Getting the Most out of Your Haunted Mirror

The reflection of a haunted mirror is often an actual parallel dimension, and given half a chance an inhabitant of that dimension will attempt to possess and replace you at the first opportunity. This of course would leave you trapped in the mirror dimension, but so what? Who couldn't use a rest from the problems and responsibilities of their normal, daily routine? Just make sure that the reflection contains a nice, comfy bed, a tv and your bong. Now you're all set for the ultimate staycation!

19 Potential Product Placements For Your Favorite College Sports Teams

Univ of Arkansas Gillette Razorbacks, Florida Gatorades, Colorado Buffalo Wings, and more!

People You Really Don’t Want to Hear Say, “I’m Not a Magician”

The plumber, The loan officer, The financial advisor when you plead with her to find a way to replenish your daughter's college fund. And More!

Top Ten Numbers 1 Through 10 of 2020

Who will be the number 1 number of 2020? We can't wait to find out! Eeeeeeeee!

For Immediate Release: Who Will Receive the Pfizer-BioNtech COVID-19 Vaccine (In Order of Priority)

29. Anti-Maskers (people who jeopardize public safety by refusing to wear a face mask) 30. Anti-Maskers (people who jeopardize a good time by refusing to watch Fox’s “The Masked Singer”) and more!

Less Evil & Catastrophic, But Still Fairly Disturbing, Bombshell Revelations From Bob Woodward's Rage

Claims that, during his previous campaign, he didn't reveal to the American people that he was going to be such a shitty president because he "didn't want to create a panic".

Herman Melville Workshops Whale Names Before Settling on Moby Dick

Big Ding-Dong Whale, Shamu, Moby Penis, Jedediah Whaleshlong (Note to self: too long)

New Uses For Obsolete Bras

Dog harness, Privacy screens, and more uses for all those unused bras.

A Look Back on the Beatles, the Worst Band of the 1990s

“I Wanna Be Your Terminator 2” “With a Little Help from My Friends (Theme from Friends)” “You’re Gonna Lose That Macarena Girl” and more!

Honest Spring Cleaning Intentions

Rearrange the refrigerator magnets by size, then by color, and then by how they were before. Start “clean eating” (eating onion rings on a clean plate). And more.

Truly Terrible Tips For Staying Home To Avoid The Coronavirus

That huge stash of toilet paper you unwisely purchased at Costco?    Flaming rolls of toilet tissue make great projectiles to discourage neighbors, family and other potential germ-farms from getting too close to your house.

Truly Terrible Make-A-Wish Foundation Requests

'Assisting Tommy Lee Jones in delivering a series of baby goats', 'Accompanying the cast of The Bachelor to the free clinic', and more!

What's OUT and What's IN for 2020

OUT: Food trucks / IN: Eating whatever you've run over in your truck. And More.

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s New Years Resolutions

You’ve got a lot to do in the new year, so let’s get this mirror pep talk started! It’s time for some New Year’s Resolutions!

This End-of-Decade List Kicks Ass!

My end-of-decade list has the decade’s most memorable moments and most influential people and listy type sports things.  But there’s a twist.  A twist in the list.  Does the whole end-of-decade list rhyme?  A rhyming list?  Would you be pissed?  Like William Rehnquist?

LIST: Weekly Humorist’s Top 10 List Of The Top 10 ‘Top 10 Lists’ Of The 2010’s

Over the past 10 years, we all read thousands of phenomenal Top 10 listicles. Here now is the definitive list of Weekly Humorist’s top 10 picks for the Top 10 ‘Top 10 lists’ of the 2010’s. Please enjoy!

Little Known Executive Privilege Rights

Free access to members of the Illuminati who are handy with plumbing issues, car battery jumps, etc. Unlimited back-rubs from the vice-president. And more.

Better 'Game of Thrones' Twist Endings

'This is just another story being read to Fred Savage in 1987', 'Game of Thrones was the name of his SLED!' 'It was all a barista's day dream' and more.

Things More Distracting Than Your Screen

The eyelash on your co-worker’s right cheek that you wish you could just grab and make a wish on, but these are not the rules of polite society. Also bees.

Managing Your Email Notifications

The "Jesus Christ What’s This Newsletter" is a weekly collection of totally unrelated things that are trending on Twitter, hot on Instagram, Snapchat stories and things to click on that have no connection to anything but are guaranteed to distract you.

Romancing The Stone- Tips For Courting Roger Stone In Prison

Don't forget: You and Roger may have a solid prison romance, and it could very well be a beautiful experience, but he'll always... always... be Donald Trump's bitch.

Top Lists Of 2018 List

12 Gluten Free Foods That Taste Almost As Good As People Liking You Again, and more!

The Year Santa's OCD Ruined Christmas

He's making a list and checking it twice...he’s checking it again, just to be sure. Oh dear, the “t” on Robert’s name wasn’t quite crossed correctly. Better check the list again. It seems “Sally’s name has one “l” that’s not quite identical to the other “l”. He’d better create a new list.

Mister T Cups and Other 9 Rejected Theme Park Rides

Splash Mountain of Debt, The Tunnel of Courtney Love, Thunder Thighs Mountain and more.

Least-Purchased Cyber Monday Deals

"Extrava-Danza! The Poetry of Tony Danza" audiobook, 54 cents, and more.

‘105 Luftballons’ and 9 Other Rock ‘N Roll Recounts

With all the hullabaloo surrounding the recent recounts in Florida and Georgia, the following tunes were given a recount. The results tabulated as follows...

Failed Halloween Treats

Fresh water taffy, Caramel-Coated Pine Cones, Topless Trading Cards Featuring Photos Of Your Mom In Her 20’s and more.

10 Alternate Expressions to Use When “Cutting Onions” Seems Played Out

Ok, so you just read something that brought tears to your eyes,…

Rejected Headlines For Rex Tillerson Firing After Someone Thought Of 'REXIT'

Tilt-R-Son?! Rex, Eat Your Salad. Former Gas Salesman Gaslit…

Jobs Well-Suited For A Disillusioned Twenty-Something Office Worker

Headache Medicine Prescriber Arsonist Parachute Safety…

Mumford, No Son and 11 Other Discounted Bands Announce Spring/Summer Tours

In an effort to keep ticket prices down the recording industry…

That's The Laws of Planetary Motion (Ooh) – Johann Kepler (Feat. Drake) and 11 other Scientific American Music Award Winners

 I Wanna Be Your Salivating Dog - Ivan Pavlov (Feat. The Stooges) Nuthin’…

Highlights Of Trump's Planned Military Parade

The crowd will be the largest for a military parade. Ever. Anywhere.…

Winter Brooklympic Events

Garbage pile skeleton Slush puddle Salchow Digging…

Biggest State of the Union Surprises

When Melania’s code malfunctions and she receives a phone call…

5 New Chicago Based Cable Shows

NBC Studios FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE January 22nd, 2018   As…

Hey ‘80s and ‘90s Kids, Do You Remember These Defunct Mall Stores?

Cool Kevin’s Single Earrings In the ‘80s there was nothing…

Tea Flavor Descriptions That Are Trying To Tell You Something

Classic Green Tea We pick the finest leaves from the highest…

Stop Saying "Turkey Day" and Use One of These Other Thanksgiving Nicknames

The Great Cranberry Cotillion Carb Christmas Yelling…

Wait... Look, squirrel! and 7 Other Signs You Have Adult ADD

1: Wait... Look, squirrel! 2: 3: 4: 5: 6: 7: 8:…

Willie Wanking and the Chocolate Factory And 9 Other Examples Of Louis CK’s Favorite Things

Star Wars Character Hands Solo TV Show Masturbating…

Death Row Cuisine: Make Your Last Meal Count!

That big day is finally here. The last appeals have been filed,…

Halloween Horror Flicks For People Who Don't Like Being Scared

I Saw What You Did Last, Sumner Redstone VeryNormal Activity The…

"Oh Crap! It's Mother's Day" 14 Last Minute Gift Ideas

Who has time to bake a cake? Little Debbie, that's who. Social…

Signs That You're At A Crummy Garage Sale

1) Knick knacks are in a box marked as "evidence". 2) They…

Vacation Hotel Tips!

1) Most inexpensive motels don't have room service, but that…

8 Taylor Swift Lyrics That Are Also Grounds For a Restraining Order

Just have Taylor Swift add “Your Honor” to these lyrics in…

Signs That You Have March Madness

Seemingly are running a high fever, but in actually have simply…

Incredible Football Facts!

The first football was built as part of a New Deal–era jobs…

Naughty NASA Pickup Lines

Do you want to ask out that special crush, but scared she’ll…

BuzzFeed for Dads

19 Nose Hair Trimmers Guaranteed To Spice Up Your Love Life. 27…

9 Great Urinal Conversation Topics

1. Cold out/hot out/regular temperature out. 2. These…

Rosy-Cheeked Residents of the Bizarro Earth Are Thankful For...

President-Elect Michelle Obama not only soundly defeating Donald…

Signs Trump Is Actually Losing It

Recently paid workers for a job he hired them to perform. Gave…

Potentially Delicious Items from the 2016 DNC Concession Menu

Hill-a-refried Beans $25.00 We in the food service industry…

Five Reactions from Those Who Met Saul Alinsky on the DNC Floor and Immediately Learned He's Been Dead Since 1972

It's been a real Who's Who on the floor of the Democratic National…


[Prostitutional Premonitions] Aries (March 21- April 19) You…