Originals

Sedona’s Bell Rock Energy Vortex Yelp Review: One Star

If you’ve seen the Mars Perseverance Rover’s picture of a cave on Mars, you’ve seen Bell Rock. (Is the government lying to us? Can we prove those aren’t pictures of Sedona?) Bell Rock Trail is an Elon Star Wars fan fiction simulation. I give this vortex One Star for lack of originality.

My 5G stopped working from the Vortex’s 4D: fourth dimension (4D) “consciousness.” So, I let my third eye guide me up the rock. But energy erupting from bulging cactus heads clouded my Vision. It was sticky and palpable: One Star. Arizona’s Parks and Rec should put signs up about this: “Warning: 4D not compatible with 5G. Third eye might get cloudy from metaphysical cactus cum.”

I read about how certain vortexes have an “outflow” or “inflow” of female or male energy. And all I can say is, this was definitely an outflow site! I’d consumed copious amounts of Taco Bell on my seven-hour drive there. And boy did I leave a Bell Rock trail, squatting behind boulders. They should call it Taco Bell Rock Trail. Very inconvenient, very uncomfortable: One Star.

The only way to feel the electricity in this sacred electromagnetic hotspot is to bathe in the red dirt. But I couldn’t feel anything with elderly tourists watching. They kept yelling “please stop” and “is she ok?” as I stripped to my birthday suit. I heard one woman smack her husband. Following Reddit’s advice, I rubbed the sacred soil into every crevice of my face, thighs, and buttocks…. And nada!
Parks and Rec should post etiquette rules for uninformed tourists! Very inconvenient, very rude: One Star. There should also be an A-list section for people with more elite energy, like myself, those versed in the occult, who’ve done their research!

I did some self-exploration on my way down the rock, taking a page from the Indigenous Yavapai Apache tribes. And let’s just say I saw a side of myself I would’ve rather not seen. Bell Rock opened my chakras, ruffling up memories I’ve stuffed down (with Taco Bell). Like, last week when I accidentally called my boss “Mom” in a meeting. And other painful moments we shall not speak of… So, I’m billing Sedona’s tourist board for the shaman I now must pay to exorcise resurfaced trauma: ONE STAR!

I give this (Taco) Bell Rock Vortex One Star! 

by Noel Leon

Noel Leon

Noel Leon is an author, standup comedian, and sketch comic in Season 2 of Sherman’s Showcase on Hulu. She wrote book of hilarious short stories called A Very Inappropriate Short Story Book and is a columnist for the Westside Current.