How An Avid Birder Describes A 0-0 Football Game Scoreboard

It’s two perfectly adjusted binocular lenses.


You might describe this 0-0 game as a couple of goose eggs. You might, if you haven’t yet experienced the joy of waking up early and waiting for hours in a remote location to cross a bird off your fantasy birding list. Then you’d have hundreds of ways to describe the scoreboard.


On one side of the scoreboard, an ostrich’s egg. On the other, a hummingbird’s egg. Thanks for inviting me to the tailgate, by the way. It’s great to meet my new neighbors.


The effectiveness of a cheap bird feeder to ward off squirrels versus the ability of an expensive feeder to scare away the same squirrels. 0-0. Quick side note while the game’s on commercial break: Why have we as a society not invested more in bird feeder science?


One owl eye and one human eye, blown up to the size of a softball. Both proportional to the respective head size of an owl and a human. Anybody want to see photos of my latest birding expedition while the refs review this crucial play? I have 152 pictures of a Stellar’s Jay and a story for each one.


The “oooo” my mouth makes when I see a Golden Pheasant on the left side of the scoreboard and the fashion points I get for wearing a birding vest on the right. Do you see the pockets on this thing?


It’s the miracle of childbirth meets the exhilaration of beating the American Birding Association’s record and seeing more than 836 bird species in a year. Tied for the greatest experiences ever.


On the left side of the scoreboard, the number of football tailgates I get invited back to after talking about the fantasy birding instead of the Baltimore Ravens’ offensive game. On the right, the number of invites I get when I talk about the need for more stringent conservation efforts with Eagles fans during the fourth down.


Oh, touchdown.


It’s one slightly curved bird beak to an empty bird nest.