How to Tell If Your Spouse Has Been Using Your Time Machine Behind Your Back

Every marriage has its fair share of challenges, but your spouse’s deceptive use of your personal time machine doesn’t have to be one of them. If you remain vigilant and aware of all the tell-tale clues to look out for, though, you can feel better prepared when the unthinkable happens.

Below is a handy list of signs that your spouse has been using your time machine behind your back:

 

Your spouse always seem to know about major life and world events before they happen.

This is the #1 red flag to look out for. Did your husband suddenly demand that you uproot your family and move to another state a few days before a deadly natural disaster struck your hometown? Has your wife ever nagged you about “eating a better diet so you can avoid that scary heart thing you’re going to have 692 days from now?” If so, they’re obviously jumping forward in time and reading some futuristic newspapers and your medical charts. Tread carefully here.

 

Your spouse’s antique collection got WAY better overnight.

Your spouse is one of those people who enjoys antiquing, which is the art of buying old broken objects for more than they’re really worth. But lately you’ve noticed that their antique collection has changed from a bunch of old lunchboxes with silly cartoons on them to a roomful of gold-encrusted treasures from ancient dynasties. It’s very likely that your spouse is bending space-time so they can pick and choose all the best old broken objects from across every period of human history. That’s not something you do to someone you really love.

 

Your spouse brings home long-extinct animals to keep as pets.

While it sure seemed innocent enough when your spouse set a nest of odd-looking eggs down on the kitchen table last year, who could’ve predicted that your family would be terrorized by several hefty, savage birds in the middle of the night a few weeks later? And what about those Tasmanian devil pups that you eventually had to fend off with a shovel? Face it – your spouse has a time-traveling problem, your children have been traumatized by all the nonstop mayhem and violence, and your house carpet will forever be infested with strange primitive lice. Unless you do something about it.

 

Your spouse keeps coming home with weird makeup on their clothing.

Here it is, almost midnight, and once again you and your children are still waiting up for your wife to come home. And when she finally does, her clothing is frumpled and she’s got powdery lips and greasy white smudges on her shirt. When you ask where she’s been, she mutters something about “having tea with friends” and stumbles off to bed. If this scenario sounds familiar, your wife is evidently traveling back to a time when men painted their faces and wore powdered wigs, and she’s having tawdry romantic affairs with some of those men. Or maybe your husband just returned home with makeup that hasn’t been invented yet smeared on his clothes — he’s cheating on you with women from the future. You need to find a good divorce lawyer.

 

You have crystal clear memories of seeing an older version of your spouse observing you from afar on dates you had with others before you met them.

What business did your spouse have even being there? You weren’t together with them, you didn’t even know they existed way back then! Why does it matter that you looked so much happier with all of your previous partners? Was your spouse spying on you at other times throughout your life? Needless to say, this utter invasion of privacy raises an overwhelming amount of questions, and your spouse owes you a near-infinite number of answers.

BONUS CLUE: You might also notice your spouse in the backgrounds of photographs and in paintings of many historical events. They’re obviously very curious, which makes for a bad combination with their intense jealousy above.

 

Your spouse appears to be aging at a much faster rate than you are.

This is the kind of clue that you can’t miss, because it’s literally staring you in the face — your spouse’s rapidly-aging face. Unless you’re married to a significantly older person, or someone who drinks and smokes on a daily basis, there’s no excuse for anyone looking so far beyond their years. The only possible explanation: your spouse is spending months, perhaps years, in different time periods – raising other families, attending notable music festivals, witnessing epic battles – then warping back to your boring old time.

 

Your spouse is prone to frequent nosebleeds.

Traveling near the speed of light makes your nose bleed. That’s an undisputed scientific fact. Thus, anytime you catch your spouse’s nose bleeding, you can safely assume that they’ve been up to no good with your time machine again. 

BONUS CLUE: You might also notice that your spouse exhibits fewer delights and thrills while riding roller coasters, and that’s because they’ve now fully adapted to traveling at sub-light speeds. Run away from this person!

 

Your spouse keeps forgetting “what year they’re in right now.”

All right, being off by one or two years is understandable, but once you’re off by decades or centuries, it’s time we sat down and had a serious talk, and it’s also time to change the lock and/or hiding spot for your time machine.