https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/pigeon-feat.png 330 432 Bobbie Armstrong https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Bobbie Armstrong2020-01-17 20:08:252020-01-17 20:08:25We Regret to Inform You That Vantage Consulting Will No Longer Be Using Your Pigeons for Our Internal Memos
Dear Peter the Pigeon Man LLC,
It is with our deepest regret (I had to resist the urge to say “deepest Egret”) that we at Vantage Consulting will no longer be using your pigeons for our internal memos.
Over the past 30 years, we have taken great pride in being the only company that still uses pigeons for our office communication. As a company committed to the well-being of both our employees and customers, we have always felt that modern technology (electronic mail and plumbing) is tearing apart the very fabric of the family business.
That being said, there are some safety concerns that have arisen regarding your pigeons, and for that reason we must terminate our contract. As you know, the well-being of our customers always come first. At first, we thought our pigeons’ behavior was due to some slight seasonal depression, but they’ve been getting downright vicious.
Tina bit Mark Ruffalo.
Mark Ruffalo is one of our bigger celebrity clients, and during a routine visit to the office, Tina swooped down, bit his nose, and then pooped all over his $2,000 shoes. It was awful Peter, just awful. Mark is one of our most loyal clients, and we just can’t have pigeons biting him every time he comes into the office. Tina is usually so even tempered, it was a shock for all of us. We locked her in the breakroom and she seemed to calm down, but we were shaken nonetheless. We are very lucky that Mark is so understanding of the situation and is not pressing charges, but you see the bind this puts us in.
James called Pete Buttigieg a homophobic slur.
In an attempt to strengthen his Midwestern base, we have been doing some consulting for the presidential candidate and South Bend, Indiana mayor. While he was in the office last Tuesday, James flew across the room on his way to deliver a message, and said something absolutely vile to Mr. Buttigieg. Of course, he’s a pigeon, so it was a little hard to understand, but Mayor Pete definitely got the message. We were all terribly embarrassed. In no way did James’ comment reflect the values or ideals of Vantage Consulting, and we can’t have our pigeons gay-bashing our clients.
Genevieve hacked Mindy Kaling’s Instagram and started posting salacious comments on other celebrities’ pictures.
In the middle of the night, Genevieve picked the lock on her cage, hacked into Mindy Kaling’s Instagram account, and posted a slew of salacious comments on other celebrities’ pictures. Genevieve is a pigeon, so a lot of her comments didn’t make much sense. Under a picture of Patrick Dempey’s new car, she wrote “I want your beak.” On a picture of Seth Meyers doing standup, she wrote “Can I swim in your hotdog water.” Genevieve isn’t even from New York so we aren’t sure where that came from. Bottom line, we were completely mortified. The rest of the comments were just explicit sexual messages posted on the accounts of companies that make sunflower seeds. This is really starting to become a problem.
We are very confused as to what caused this sudden change in behavior. Sure, we’ve had the occasional finger ripped off or jaw broken, but those were accidental. But lately, our pigeons are downright malicious. We think it might have something to do with the paleo diet you recently put them on. Four pounds of ground beef per pigeon per hour is a lot of protein.
So, my dear Peter, you understand the situation we are in. Though we are going to discontinue our contract for the time being, we welcome the pigeons back in the future if you are able to get their behavioral issues under control. We are deeply appreciative for all you have done for Vantage Consulting over the past 30 years. Oh no! Tommy is wearing a MAGA hat in front of Kamala Harris again.
CEO, Vantage Consulting
Bobbie Armstrong is a former child, current writer and student. Her work has appeared on McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, Belladonna Comedy, Little Old Lady, and her parents’ fridge. Follow her existential crisis @bobbien_