I, Martha Stewart, Am Certainly Not On Drugs; I’m Just Super Chill and Have the Munchies

The epic friendship of Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg has given us a TV show, a Super Bowl commercial, and now, a line of cannabidiol (CBD) products.

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Hello Everyone,

Martha here.  I am absolutely appalled that people say I’m doing drugs.  I am completely sober except for the thirty-five gummies I take every day when I bliss out in the garden nibbling on carrots and giggling.  I’m fully enjoying my life and you should too, by ordering my gummies and being chill. We can get on a zoom and talk about how many you can eat in one sitting.

As you can see from my quotes in multiple publications as of late, sometimes I forget what I’m saying so I just change topics mid-sentence.  This is normal and appropriate.  Also, does anyone have any petit frites? I’m starving.

Yes, Snoop Dogg is a dear friend of mine.  I often joke with Snoop that while I am highly experimental with CBD, I absolutely will not smoke marijuana, so he breathes smoke in my face while we watch Real Housewives together.  Once at a dinner party he smoked ten giant fat blunts and I inhaled, which is not at all the same. Then after that I continually chewed copious amounts of gummies.  Snoop said “you got any chips?” and we laughed and laughed.

I have curated a special book of recipes and ideas that accompany my new gummies.  You simply eat an entire bag of my gummies and then order take-out, or make a very simple pizza you don’t have to wear your glasses to see because it’s just crust and cheese and that’s it.  Sometimes I forget the cheese or burn it because I fall asleep, so set a timer!

My gummies are not just your ordinary pedantic jellied bears. They are based on the French pate de fruits and have flavors such as black raspberry, passionfruit, and other fruits likely you’ve never even heard of because I know of special fruits that you don’t.  I am Martha Stewart and I’m very avant-garde.  I am also the budding genius of a doggie CBD line because I love my pups and want them to be as high as me.  In elevation, since I’m visiting the mountains, of course.  I think.  I don’t really know where I am anymore.

I recently put my gummies in a heart-shaped box so you can share your addiction with your friends and family because these are not addictive or drugs in any way and you should feel safe to feed them to your pets and small children. For Christmas I made cannabis cookies, referred to said cookies as “baked bliss,” and decorated them with festive red dots. This is all very normal and natural and what 79-year old women do.  I am not at all obsessed with marijuana.  Also, I have zero complaints about quarantine as I don’t remember where I am most of the time or how to spell words. I do love a good lobster in a butter sauce, if anyone cares.

I still enjoy crafts despite my busy schedule.  I especially like to thread gummies on a small wooden skewer and then lay them out on a platter for my friends. Well, they are mostly Snoop’s friends. They call it a weed party because everything thinks it’s fun to go to the garden and pull weeds from my asparagus ferns.  I cannot help it if I end up breathing in some of the same air as someone else.  Smoking really isn’t for me and I don’t do drugs of any kind.  It’s just nice to sit in the dirt in my garden and eat some of the Meyer lemon gummies. Also I recently took a selfie in front of a pool with duck lips.  What are we talking about? Did someone say asparagus? If only I had some hollandaise!

When asked by a New York Times Reporter many gummies I take, I told them “I pop twenty of them and just feel OK, but my friends do two and feel high, I don’t know why.”  It’s very good for my digestion to eat fruit, so I eat as many as I can, bake them into cakes, and I recently strung my gummies on a string like a necklace.  I eat a few gummies for breakfast and then work out and pop some more gummies and have Snoop over to sit with and breathe the air and drink green juice followed by ten more gummies so I’m very healthy. My sleep has never been better.

My gummies are very popular with influencer bloggers, like Ashley who said they are “like a dream” and “I forgot my kids at school but I really like the berry flavor.” Recently a cooking blogger said “you can just make whatever / it doesn’t even matter anymore” because she loved my lemon CBD oil. Isn’t that delightful?

I hope you enjoy them as much as I do!

Xoxo

Martha