I Miss the Good Old Days When Healthy Relationship Standards Meant Men Doing Whatever They Wanted and Women Shutting the Hell Up
“Dating opportunities for heterosexual men are diminishing as healthy relationship standards change.” –Psychology Today, 8/9/22
As a heterosexual man in 2022, I’ve never been more lonely. Back in the good old days, “healthy relationship standards” were logical and easy for me to understand. Back then, I always knew what the expectations in the relationship were for me because I set them. There was never any dissatisfaction or disagreement because I never listened. If I didn’t hear it firsthand, the problem wouldn’t exist.
Our relationship was always 50/50. I went out with the guys while my wife put the kids to bed and shut the hell up. I came home from work and planted myself in front of the TV while my wife prepared dinner after chasing the kids all day and shutting the hell up. Sometimes, I would even go out to a totally different bar with the guys while my wife put the same kids to bed and shut the hell up.
Life was simple and we were all happier. At least, I was happier and I assume my wife was fine with it because she never said anything. She said something about being financially dependent on me because I never let her work, but I just turned up the volume on the game. It was always better to let her cool down on her own and then come back to me and not say anything.
When my third wife found out I was on a dating app, she was so pissed. But I calmly assured her that it had nothing to do with her personality, it was just her body that was a problem. Besides, I was lonely. After years of not responding to my wife when she had something to say, she had started doing the same to me and frankly I had had enough of the nonsense.
But stepping back into the online dating game as a married man was harder than I thought. Women these days have ridiculous standards, like “not being married” and “cutting my toenails.” Excuse me, looking for someone to cut my toenails is why I’m on this dumb app in the first place. I guess this is why me and millions of other heterosexual men are so lonely.
From there, things just went downhill. One bitch accused me of being “rude,” “chauvinistic” and having “the communication skills of a 63-year-old who never matured past 8.” So I blocked her and reported her to authorities for being a whore. I can’t believe I didn’t get a second date.
And boy, do women these days talk. I went out with this ugly girl for a drink because I was pissed off because the wife was talking to me, and all this girl wanted to do was tell me about herself. She asked me what I did for a living and how my day was, but when I answered by checking the scores of the game on my phone, she started talking about herself. It would have been fine if she was interesting (hot), but she was nothing of the sort. I told her I had to use the bathroom and escaped through a third-story window. I honestly don’t understand why she didn’t want to keep talking after that.
I know I’m not the problem. The problem is women and algorithms. Women are too complicated, and so are algorithms. Put the two together, and you have a dating puzzle that not even the smartest man (Joe Montana) can solve.
The only way to make men happy again is by returning to the old days. We get to do whatever we want, and women shut the hell up. It’s the silent bliss that’s kept society cohesive for millennia, I don’t see why we should start seeing women as people now.
Bobbie Armstrong is a former child, current writer and student. Her work has appeared on McSweeney’s, Slackjaw, Belladonna Comedy, Little Old Lady, and her parents’ fridge. Follow her existential crisis @not_bobbi.