I, Willy Wonka, Am Finally Glad to Be Rid of Financial Burden That Is Running a Chocolate Factory

The founder of Jelly Belly is having a contest to giveaway one of his factories – “Participants pay $49.99 to enter the treasure hunt, which takes place in every state (though Klein said he’s still working on planting the treasure in all 50 states). Only 1,000 tickets are sold per state, and everyone who buys a ticket is eligible to win Klein’s factory.” – CNN, 9/8/2020

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As a former chocolatier and sweets mogul, I was glad to finally pass off my empire to some poor, dear kid. Some would say, I generously offered the opportunity of a lifetime to a sweet child with a large family to care for and no money whatsoever. They’ll be rich before they know it and they’ll never have to worry again.

 

Suckers! That unsuspecting dummy had no idea what he was getting himself or his family into. That place was a money pit and I’m glad to be free of the financial burden. Good riddance!

 

Do you know how expensive it is to run a chocolate factory? The ingredients alone were a fortune. I went through 700,000 quarts of milk every day just to make my patented Wonka Bars. I used a million ounces of chocolate every day to make a variety of different candies. I had to cook and then distill a family-sized Roast Beef and an entire Blueberry Pie every time I made a stick of that Three Course Dinner Chewing Gum. All for a single stick of gum!

 

Then there’s the packaging costs, shipping costs, heat and electricity bills. If you had any idea how much it costs just to keep that building going? The Wonka factory took up 10 city blocks. It was the size of 50 football field!

 

And of course, there’s the matter of my annual bonus. I have hundreds of versions of my classic Purple Suit, and crushed velvet isn’t going to pay for itself. Dry cleaning bills add up, and the Wonka corporation is footing the bill if I have to show a bunch of kids and their parents around. By the way, factories are a minefield for accidents and injuries. Have you any idea how many wrongful death lawsuits Wonka Industries is involved in right now? I can’t disclose any information for legal reasons, but it’s safe to say we have been in the red for several quarters now and filing for Chapter 11 was not far off when I announced the contest.

 

At least I didn’t pay the Oompa Loompas. Can you imagine? I don’t know what I would do if they ever asked for money. Or vacation time? Forget it! The kids who harvested cocoa for my chocolate tried to unionize once, and that was the last of them.

 

So good luck to Charlie and his whole family. I’m sure it’ll be a real treat running the Wonka factory!