Less Evil & Catastrophic, But Still Fairly Disturbing, Bombshell Revelations From Bob Woodward’s Rage

Trump Halloween masks remain unsold until they end up in Dollar Stores during early November, when they’re purchased in bulk by laundry services in need of a cheap method of temporarily storing used cloth diapers.

Trump believes that a “rape whistle” is a merry tune to whistle while “grabbing them by the pussy”.

The closest that Trump has come to assembling an actual Space Force is his demand that White House vending machines be plentifully stocked with Mars bars.

When Trump says that there “are good people on both sides”, he’s referring to rich white people, and not quite as rich white people.

Trump regularly soils himself during speeches, the sole reason members of his cabinet standing nearby wear masks.

Trump has contacted both DC and Marvel Comics in an effort to learn the ways in which someone can “reboot the universe” before election day.

Claims that, during his previous campaign, he didn’t reveal to the American people that he was going to be such a shitty president because he “didn’t want to create a panic”.

Says that he uses armed military forces to clear American citizens from the street because he’s doing his best to practice social distancing.

Only doesn’t believe in abortion because he regularly makes a fortune from betting on underground dark web baby fights.

Refuses to wear a Klan hood because the static cling messes up his hair.