Post Revolutionary War
Wins the first presidential election after promising to “make the Colonies great again,” referring to opponent George Washington as “Crooked Teeth George,” accusing Washington’s father of helping the British troops who carried out the Boston Massacre, and calling Martha Washington a “two.” Once inaugurated, asks Congress to create a U.S. Mint for producing money so that he can pay off his mistresses. Angrily resigns from office in protest immediately after the Bill of Rights is ratified by Congress. Proclaims in his farewell speech that he is “the greatest U.S. president ever!”
War of 1812
Grabs all portraits of the previous presidents when the British set fire to the White House, and then throws the paintings into the blaze. Expresses disappointment that the “rat-infested” city of Baltimore is successfully defended. Later takes credit for writing “The Star-Spangled Banner.”
After deriding James Bowie and Davy Crockett as “losers” for dying at the Alamo and saying that the defeat was the fault of the “do-nothing Whigs,” orders a wall to be built at the United States-Texas border and declares victory over “the criminals, drug dealers, and rapists of Texas.” Sends a bill to Texas for the wall.
Defects to the South in an effort to keep the slaves who work on his Trump and Mar-a-Lago plantations. Obtains a copy of Jefferson Davis’s birth certificate showing that Davis actually was born in the USA and not the CSA. Uses this information to launch a successful coup to replace “Yankee Jeff.” After the South is defeated in the war, blames the Davis administration for the loss.
First supports the war but quickly calls for a complete withdrawal of troops after concluding that there’s no good reason to assist “those shithole countries.”
World War I
Dismisses press reports of the sinking of the Lusitania as “fake news,” which causes a delay in the U.S. entering the war. Blames the delay on the press. Visits a factory that manufactures and tests gas masks for the soldiers and dies while participating in a test because he refuses to wear a gas mask. As the U.S. mourns the passing of their commander in chief, the U.S. and Europe are hit with a deadly flu outbreak, and the nation worries about how they will get through a pandemic without President Trump to lead th– oh, please!
Early World War II
Has no response to the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor until his staff informs him that Hawaii is part of the United States. Reluctantly visits Pearl Harbor, where he hands out paper towels to the survivors after berating them for being attacked. Does not ask Congress to declare war on Japan; also speaks out against joining the Allies in Europe in their fight against the Nazis because “there are very fine people on both sides.” Leaves it to the state governors to send troops overseas.
Late World War II
Personally is conflicted over the war in Europe due to his affection for both Hitler and Stalin. In May 1944, divulges classified information about the D-Day invasion to German diplomats and then reminds the American people that he has the right to declassify anything he wants. Fires General Eisenhower and announces, “I know more about D-Day than the generals do.” Allied forces are routed during the D-Day invasion, and the Allies surrender to the Axis powers soon after.
Sides with North Korea since “their leader is more bad-ass.” South Korea is defeated, and Trump Labor Camps become a “bigly” profitable business throughout the entire Korean Peninsula.
Gives no support to the Bay of Pigs invasion because he is convinced that the Bay of Pigs is a beach for ugly women. Allows the Soviets to build and maintain nuclear missile bases in Cuba as he believes Nikita Krushchev’s denials of any involvement over the findings of every U.S. intelligence agency. Later gets a chance to ask Krushchev about the issue in person but instead talks to him about getting Eastern Europe to pay for the Berlin Wall. The Soviets continue to build missile bases in every communist country and in some non-communist countries. The Cold War goes on until the start of World War III, during which Planet Earth is obliterated.
(We’ll skip this one, since Trump did.)
Persian Gulf War
Imposes a Muslim ban, of course.
(See Persian Gulf War.)
(See Persian Gulf War.) Saddam Hussein is captured and immediately named White House Senior Advisor.
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Brian Leibrandt lives in Havertown, PA with his wife and two sons. He’s unemployed, so everyone should stop advising him not to quit his day job.